Lessons from a Stormy Night

I know there are a couple of you who are anxiously awaiting wedding photos and updates. I'm going to have a beg your pardon for not posting those right away, but I've had a few musings bouncing about in my head that needed to be written down first. I promise I will get the life-update stuff up soon.

I recently got a book from the library called 'Full Exposure: Opening Up to your Sexual Creativity and Erotic Expression' by Susue Bright. Right before I started reading it, I had a experience that really brought something home to me. I'll tell you about the experience first, and then explain why I mention the book.

'The Storm'
It was a tuesday night, and I had just spent three hours in the dance studio - the first hour I was picking a song and practicing for the final performance class that the level 3's were having next. The last hour was the final class of a lower level, where the students bring heels and music to try out with the routine they'd spent the last 6 weeks learning. The class was really fun and they were really into putting more of the dancy/sensual style movements into the basic routine. It was a wonderfully fun class.

After, when I set out home I noticed it was raining. but when I got outside I realized that it wasn't just raining, but there was a full-blown thunderstorm going on. I was super warm from class and didn't want to get my sweater wet in the downpour, so I stuffed it in my bag and sheltered uner the roof overhang until my bus came.

Here's the part where I should mention that I absolutely LOVE storms. It's kind of funny to most people, but nature's 'worst' weather is often my favourite. Storms exhilarate me, a heavy downpour feels cleansing, and the calm of grey days (even windy grey days) makes me feel at peace. Sun does nothing for me. Snow is ok, and I love the first few magical snowfalls, but it's the rain, clouds, storms and wind that really hold me. So I was excited about the storm. And apparently that energy is magnetic.


I got to the train platform downtown, running through the rain so as not to end up soaked (still in my tanktop from class - I never got cold enough to pull my sweater out). Once
I make it to shelter, I can't stop grinning as the lightning flashes and the thunder grumbles loud enough to feel the vibration in my chest. By this time I was fully delighted by the storm, grinning like a fool and trying to guess where to look to catch the next lightning flash. and a guy strikes up a conversation with me. He seems nice enough so we chat for a few minutes until he asks if my family lives here/who I live with. When he hears I have a husband, he suddenly isn't so interested in making conversation anymore. Luckily, my train came pretty quick, which cut back on the awkward (seriously though, who just stops talking when that happens? I mean, sure I'm not available, but at least make polite conversation until one of us manages to leave. sheesh).


Then on the train, due to an electrical issue which confused everyone on the train into getting off, except me and a delightfully nerdy guy. So we spent the rest of the ride to my stop talking about D&D and video games and movies (the nerdy topic got started because of the book I was reading).

Then, in the heritage station shelter while I was waiting for bus again, some guy started making comments about the weather and then asked for my number. At this point I'm kind of wondering what's going on. I'm not usually the girl who gets noticed, and people don't often try to talk to me on transit. I finally made it home and bounced right out to the balcony to finish watching the storms and lightning.

And here is where that book comes in. Given my recent experience with the storm and my excitement about it translating into attracting people, this book really made me start thinking about why that was.

In essence, my passion for the storm made me more approachable, because in essence, I was so excited I was spilling that creative energy out and people noticed. They felt it and wanted to be a part of it. And that is the most basic nature of attraction. My two favourite quotes from the book so far are these:

"Sex...is first and always about the capacity to create and feel, and express and connect."

"Too many people have had their delight and amazement worn right out of them. They hide it, and they squelch it, and they let it come out only in the most tortured little ways, thinking they can control it entirely...If you can't remember the last time something pleased you into passion, exclamation, or total silliness, then it's been too long. A lover is someone who can be moved by the smallest things, who can touch without fear."

It gives a much broader view of what can be sexy or sensual or erotically pleasing than just what's culturally acceptable or 'normally' considered to be so. I'm only three or four chapters in, but I have to say already - good book :)

Wedding Decorations Update!

I've been super busy lately. Every time I checked something off the 'to do' list it seemed to get longer. I'm starting to feel a little more prepared. I finally made up my example table decorations. Take a look.

 Here's the basic table layout. Alternating small plate/large plate, seperated by a bowl and trail of shiny things

This is the large plate - the roses will be white, not yellow, and the daisies will be blue. I'm hoping to find cornflowers/bachelor's buttons too, but I don't hold out too much hope for that.

Here's a close-up of the bowl with daisies in the middle and the strewn shiny thing collection *smile*


And last is the small plate, with the candle rosebowl, again with small ivy's around it.

So there's my table decorations. In other news, I'm still trying to work out a hairdresser, we're still working on my dress and Jon's shirt. We have to pick up the alcohol still, find various accessories, finish music lists, make a shopping list for the final bits and pieces we're making ourselves snack-wise, but that is pretty much it. Starting to feel a little less overwhelming. It's good :)

Sit Spot/Quickie Wedding Update

First off, I'm participating in the sit spot 30 day challenge (click for more info). To keep my sanity and reduce any pre-wedding stress I thought it would be a good idea to carve out 20 minutes of time per day for me to just sit and be. So far it has been wonderful. Even on busy days, I've made sure to carve out time (even if it has to be at 11:30 at night).

The spot itself is close enough that I don't sigh at the thought of getting to it, but it's far enough away from the rest of the humans crammed into this small space that it feels at least marginally private. The traffic from a nearby road is slightly distracting and annoying, but I can put up with it for now. I haven't seen a lot of wildlife so far - I've seen a magpie and a cat, and heard something that sounds like a bird (I thought it might be a dog or coyote the first time, but the call repeated several times and was almost identical each time). It might be an owl, but I don't really know - are there any other birds that call at night in the calgary area? It must live nearby because I've heard it on two nights now, though tonight it sounded further away than last time.

In other news, wedding stuff is coming along. Only 23 days left! That's SOON.

I ran into a slight glitch with the favours - I wanted to do little ivy plants as favours, but with mothers day coming up apparently the growers tend to keep them to put together with other things to make baskets. So instead I now have a bunch of little peat moss discs, a bunch of little pots, some rooting compound and 8 bigger ivy plants. So tomorrow I get to spend the day playing with plants and dirt and stuff. Looking forward to it :)

Other things left to do:
 - still haven't gotten letter of authority - I'm thinking of calling to see where they are with it
 - figure out and finalize hair bookings. adjust makeup times as necessary
 - do trial run for making flower bowls and set up an example of the table decorations and take pictures for Jon's mom, who will be in charge of starting the table decoration setup the day of
 - order alcohol
 - get fabric for Jon's shirt, and spend time with my sewing friend to put together my dress
 - go through music and finish making playlists
 - various other things that are on my list but I can't think of right now

*sigh* I have three days off starting tomorrow and they're already booked full of wedding stuff to do. I just want a day off! 23 days until it's over...

Found my Sit-Spot

I think I've found my sit spot for the 30 day challenge I'll be doing so I stay sane this May.

I thought about making it in fish creek park, but in the end decided against it - it will be too hard to get there every day. I needed somewhere closer, but still with at least a bit of privacy, and the possibility of sharing it with animals.

The spot is far from ideal, but it's a spot that's nearby (less than a minute away), and there's grass and trees and bushes. There's near-constant traffic off to the right, and even at night it's not nearly dark (the lights from nearby buildings are quite blinding in fact), but it's a spot. Interestingly, although I found a spot that seemed more likely to have animals around (there are more bushes for cover, a view of an open field, and a dumpster nearby), I wasn't comfortable there. Too much human traffic I guess. The area I ended up with feels more calm and relaxing to me. It's set a little back from all the apartments, near the fence that is the border between our admin office and the parking lot of the adjacent condos.

 It feels quiet, and there's a big tree there that has some presence to it. Even if I don't see any animals there, I'll still feel connected, which is kind of why I wanted to do this in the first place. It was never the animals I connected to before anyway. It was the trees, and the feeling of being rooted in a place - the connection my feet feel.

 I only spent 10 minutes there today, but I look forward to spending more time there. I'll try to post a picture of the spot later :)

Time to melt the wax off

I don't know exactly what it is, but I feel today as though a switch has been flipped. Maybe it's an effect of the fever I had for the last 3 days, maybe just the season, or the year. Maybe it was just time.

I feel a coming back to myself. A returning, if you will, to a part of myself that I gave up when I came to Calgary. The part of myself that had a connection to home.

Let me start at the beginning though. Six years ago I was lost. I had graduated high school, but had no idea who and what I wanted to be, or do. In an effort to figure that out, I decided to move to Calgary and study herbology. I knew I was giving things up to do this. Mainly the security and comfort of living close to family. I had to let go of being a little girl. I had to let go of the place I knew was home, although even now the scent of young alders and forest floor reminds me - the scents of all the green things that grow and die on the island.

But there were things I didn't know I was giving up, not really. First among these are my closeness with my family. Especially I miss being able to watch as my nephew and nieces grow. My siblings too. I miss my sister especially - I used to feel closest to her and now I hardly know her at all - and she's as hard to get a hold of by phone as I am, lol.

The other thing I didn't realize I was giving up was my connection to place. As a child and teenager, connecting to nature was effortless. I even went to far as to decide when I was 14 that I never wanted to live in a city. And then I moved to calgary. I told myself it was temporary, and that I'd be back in the wilderness as soon as school was done. But I'm still here. It's something I struggle with.

Connected to that, I also lost a part of myself. When I gave up my connection to the land, to place, I feel like I gave up my connection to everything. The part of myself that loves celtic music went missing, the seeker and wanderer lay down beside the road and had a nap, the singer was silent, and the witch in me had a long winter. In the end I spent six years growing and learning and figuring out who I am, and who I want to be. And now I discover that all these parts of myself that I love the best didn't go away entirely - they've been felt in whispers here and there. They were partly obscured as I changed, exploring different edges of myself, figuring out where the edges are, or where I want them to be.

Like the swirl of colour when making a ukrainian easter egg. When the egg http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifis blackest is when it's ready to be revealed for all its bright and colourful beauty. I've been died and waxed and now I'm started to melt the wax away to remember what is underneath.

It's time to reconnect. To the land, to nature, to meaningful friendships, to family, to myself, to magic, to LIFE.

And I want to thank a friend of mine for the music that inspired this post. I cannot believe that I've known this woman for so long and not gotten a cd yet, though I've thought her music beautiful for a long time. Here's a link to my favourite song tonight, and to her website :)

The song: Drift

Her website : http://www.soramusic.ca/

S Practise

I had my S-Factor practice tonight. I skipped last week since I was tired, but I was really looking forward to this one all day. I even admired my thighs this morning, lol.

Usually, when I look at them, I see cellulite and feel like they're too big. You'd think, since they've been big since I was a kid that I'd be used to them by now, but I still find myself looking for the flaws.

I don't know what it is, but this morning, that changed. I felt strong. My legs felt curvy and sensuous and long. It was nice.

And tonight on my way home from work, a song came on my playlist and reminded me of the ocean. I found a bunch of other watery songs and made a playlist for my practice.

When I got home I set everything up and started moving. My water playlist was perfect. Here's a link to the song that started it: click

Unfortunately, Jon got a ride home from work, so he got home about where I was doing the quad stretch. I still finished my practice, but my awareness of where he is in the apartment distracted me from being fully present in my body. So I kind of skipped the last bit, even though it's my favourite part.

I've really got to figure out a time to practice when he's not home. And I look forward to playing around with my water music.

TM March 2012

I know this is a little bit late, given that our ritual was last week - I just wasn't sure what to post about.

Last week was the first ritual I hosted. Everyone came to visit me for ritual instead of me going to somewhere else. That in itself felt a little strange to me. The other part of it was that I don't have a ritual area set up here. I have my 'altar' area on top of my bookshelf, but I don't have a special space just for ritual in the apartment - at least not a space that's set up for a group. And I kind of feel like I want one now.

The ritual itself was nice. I had my table and the candles and they brought the grove deity statues. but it didn't feel quite right to me. I didn't feel fully connected to my sacred space. Part of that might be because when I hold ritual in my space, it's usually an outdoor space. Could be the room just isn't right for it. I'm not fully sure.

I think, in actuality, the room was too bare to feel connected in. I kind of put the space together with what I had, and it worked, but I want to create a space that's specific. All I did was clean the spare room and put a table and some candles in; I didn't turn it into a special space.

In the ritual, there was a section where we asked for something from one of the independence archetype deities, and I asked for the strength and independence to remember and remind myself to take time for me. Especially so as we move into the last 7-8 weeks of planning before the wedding. It already feels stressful and that takes its toll. If I want to remain a pleasant person to be around through it, I'm going to have to take some alone time for me. And part of what I want to do for that is something I've been reading about for a while. Let me explain:

I have a friend who has done this training in an online course, called the Kamana Naturalist Training. Basically, it sounds like it's about connecting and being comfortable in nature. The website mentions that most of us are 'tourists' in the natural world - we like to visit, but we're not at home there. And I totally understand this because in BC, where my parents lived, I was at home with nature. Here, I am a tourist. I've been in Calgary for almost 6 years now, and I still don't know the nature here. It's too easy to avoid in a city. It's like trying to learn a language by taking a class once a week (or less). That's how little I get to see a truly natural area in the city. Maybe once a week if I remember.

But I digress. I'm actually somewhat interested in doing the program that he did. I just don't want to seem like I'm copying. That seems silly just saying it - but the fact that I feel that way even a little makes me hesitate. If I was sure I wanted to do it, I'd already be doing it. In any case, the reason I mention it is because I was poking around the site the other day, and I found out that they have a 'sit-spot' challenge for the month of May this year.

The sit spot is the core of their program. It's basically a natural spot you go to once a day, just to observe. It makes a lot of sense to me - you have to spend time in nature to feel at home in there. And I miss feeling at home there.

So I want to do this 30 day challenge thing, first to take time for me, second to be more at home in nature and third to see if I want to try this Kamana thing.

I'll let you know how it goes as I figure it out myself :)

My Monday Class is Awesome!

I had an awesome class again tonight. I love my monday class. It's really allowed me to really work full out without worrying about being too tired to teach later. Which means I'm actually trying harder to get stuff.

Today, I got my caterpillar push to forearm grip butterfly. Now I just have to work on keeping my chest pulled back away from the pole. I kind of feel like I'm holding on for dear life right now, lol.

Worked on my wrong side scorpio. I can't remember the last time I worked on this move. I still managed to hold it, but it needs to be stronger before I can do a switch from the left side to the right.

Also, I did a deadlift! This is where you do an invert in the air - no feet touching the ground (a lot of people start out having to kick up from the ground to get into it). Mind you, I half pulled myself up by my legs, but I got my legs up there enough to get on the pole! Its one of the moves I was afraid I'd never be able to get.

And we were instructed to listen to our choreography music a lot, to get to know it. I was listening on the way home and I already started thinking of moves that would fit. And then I started really thinking about the lyrics (the song is 'perfect lie' by the engine room - click for a link to the song on youtube)

It feels like a song about wanting to be perfect, not being satisfied. In listening more closely to the lyrics, it kind of makes me want to tell the story of someone who wasn't satisfied with their looks, had them changed/tries to change them, but then realizes that they're still not satisfied, and that it has nothing to do with their looks at all.

I thought it might be fun to do something with a mask as a prop for this one. Not sure how that would work with the aerial stuff, but I'll mention it and see if anyone wants to play around with the idea.

I love choreographing!

More Wedding Updates

The days and weeks seem to be going by very fast now. Only a little less than 8 weeks left until the wedding. My to-do list has been whittled down bit by bit and now there's mostly details left. But so many details!

Makes me glad I've got my list(s)

I went with my friend who is making my dress today and found a pattern, and got the rest of what she needs to make it. Measuring and cutting of fabric will be next Friday. Here's a picture from the pattern website. Just imagine it in white. I'm not sure if the ribbon at the side is going to be white, or if I want it to be dark blue, but I like how feminine it looks. I love getting dressed up in pretty things.


Also, I picked up my ring last week. I only got to look at it the once and now I'm not allowed until the ceremony (lol) but it's really pretty.

Things remaining on list:

- send check to fish creek park people to pay for letter of authority
- Jon's ring
- hash out the exact layout/details of the ceremony
- figure out where we're getting the flowers from to make bouquets etc. (since I want to make them myself)
- last bits of table centerpieces
- ivy plants
- finish dress, find shoes
- figure out how I want my hair and makeup (if any)

There's some other stuff, but I won't bore you with ALL the details. Check back for more updates as I slowly freak out over how little time there is left :)

S-Factor Revisited (my own level 1, week 1)

It's been some time since I mentioned S-Factor. I haven't done it in quite a while - a combination of my own lack of motivation and some unreliability on the part of my 'workout' partner left me feeling uninspired.

But this is something I want to do for me and I've decided that it was time to revisit my own sensuality. Wednesdays are now for S-Factor. For finding the sensual creature within. And for letting her free from the box that I've stuffed her into in the name of 'respectability' and being a 'good girl'.

Good girls supposedly don't get to be sexy (or at least shouldn't be comfortable with it).

I mean to prove that statement wrong.

This first practise (I'm going to try to set it up as close to the actual S-Factor classes as I can) I began with just getting used to being present in my body again, feeling the strength and stretch of the movements.

My favourite part of it was 'letting my curves take up space'.

I think one of the reasons I love it is that it makes me feel feminine. In a world where feminine is small and delicate and dainty, my six feet of height has always left me feeling less than feminine.

And to quote one of my favourite artists 'you can be a kick-ass bruiser and be feminine'

Here's the song it's from. Enjoy :) (click)

The St. Patrick's Day Post

Sorry it took so long to get this up - I've been neglecting the blog a bit. But not anymore!

I had so much fun the weekend before last! It's been quite some time since Jon and I have gone out, especially with a bunch of people.

For St. Pat's this year, we got the traditional party group together - these are the people we hung out with most when my fiance and I first started dating. And I danced. Oh, how I danced *smile*

It's been so long since I went out dancing (not since last June when I managed to sprain my ankle at Drop Kick Murphy's) that I'd forgotten how FUN it is. Mind you, drunken irish dancing is mostly just a bunch of jumping up and down, but still.
The band was great, played lots of good music. They made a brief foray into some more country-ish stuff, but they got back to the celtic pretty quick, which was nice.
And then the pipers came in. It's kind of funny - usually I can tell how skilled a piper is, since I've been listening to them for so many years, but I don't know how good the pipers were - I'd been drinking beer all night, and I just wanted to dance so I guess I wasn't paying much attention.

The pipers made my feet remember how much fun highland is. They started off with a reel or two and then played mostly jig/hornpipe stuff. So I danced. Off to the side - until some guy saw and kind of gestured me in front of the pipers.

So then I danced front and center, for almost the entire rest of the set. I was exhausted by the end, but I loved every second of it. And after I was done, several people came and said that it was awesome. Even one of the pipers - he said they always get a better reception when they have highland dancers.


All in all, it was probably the best St Patrick's Day I've had in 4 years (the one before was when Jon and I 'officially' got together, even though we'd been dating for a bit before then).

Slainte!

Pole, and Cleansing

This is just a quick update for those who may read the blog and are wondering what I've been up to :)


I had the BEST dance class tonight. I was a bit hesitant about switching my class to Mondays, despite the fact that I absolutely love the teaching style of the instructor. Now I'm at the studio 3 days a week, but I think I made the right choice - I got a move tonight that I probably should have gotten a long time ago, but hadn't worked on for a while. It probably helps that she teaches the class in a way that we're all working on the same things at the same time. That kind of structure motivates me more. Plus we're doing a fun thing too - as a class we're coming up with a choreography. She's walking us through how to make one. I think it's going to be fun.

In other news, I started a two week 'cleanse'. It's a 'cleanse' instead of just a cleanse because I'm mostly just trying to set up a couple habits that I think will be good for me - getting up and going to bed earlier, stretching daily, taking my greens, my lung cleanse stuff, and my lemon aloe water in the morning. Eating primally, and making time to play. Oh, and a set time to tidy and do household stuff.

As you can see, it's quite a bit. Today being day two of my new routine, we'll see how it goes.

Ostara 2012

So, I know this post is a little late, but in keeping with my decision to write every time we have a ritual, I thought I'd post anyway.


Last weekend, we had the Ostara ritual, which celebrates spring (basically, our version of easter). The only thing I'll say about the ritual itself was that I realized how drawing down can work with finding things that resonate properly with the energy of the deity being drawn down. I don't know why, but for some reason, this really struck me just now.

Secondarily, I love spring. I know, back in fall I said that it was my favourite. It happens every year - in fall, I love fall best, but then, when we get to spring again, It becomes my favourite. Summer and Winter seem to exist as limbo times for me. They merely come between my two favourites.

I have to post about St. Patrick's day, but soon. Not tonight :)

Musings on my way home from work

Sometimes, when the wind blows in spring, I can almost feel it sweeping away the blanket of winter and stirring the land awake.

It's a faint hint of connection, and while it has been invigorating in the past, tonight it pulls me into sadness.

One of the first connections I felt with the natural world was the wind in my hair - connections I only have a shadow of now. I was not made for city dwelling.

So as the spring wind calls my soul awake I yearn for the wild places. By celtic theory, I hold them inside my soul. But the child in me cries that it isn't fair that I can feel them there and miss them so much, and yet still not manage to find them in the real world. And the faint connection I feel to the land here slips away like fog in the morning sun.

I miss the wilds and I think I'm going to have to do something to re-find that connection.

Primal/Paleo Food

So, you may or may not know that I started playing around with Primal/Paleo eating last September. (For a description of what that is, check out this website: click)

Since then I have discovered a LOT of recipes online that sound delicious. I've tried foods I've never tried before. I've made homemade protein bars that taste almost like cookies (and that Jon eats like cookies). I've realized that I don't actually miss grains at all - they really only added texture and filler not flavour to foods. I've made pizza, and I've made meatza.

The one thing I haven't followed strictly is the dairy restriction common to paleo eating (primal isn't as restrictive - it even includes red wine and chocolate!). Now, I don't drink milk. But I LOVE cheese. And yogurt's pretty good too I guess.

A while back, after having cut out grains, I realized that when I ate them, I felt tired and sluggish over the next half to full day. Now I'm realizing the same thing about dairy. A little bit of fermented dairy seems to be ok, but if I have a lot of cheese, or something with cream in it, I feel very slow and tired. I think I'm going to be cutting out liquid forms of dairy from now on - I had strawberries in cream last night and I was sooo tired today, even though I got plenty of sleep.

Of course, that's not going to stop me from enjoying the last of them tonight ;) At least I'll know why if I'm tired tomorrow.

Wedding Updates

Just a quick update, since it's been a while since I did one on this.

Things we've done since my last post:

Met with and booked our caterer. They also take care of linens/napkins/china/cutlery etc. for us. The main course is chicken - can't really go wrong with that, and I don't know if anyone has specific dietary stuff, but I think we can figure something out once we know what we have to work around.

Met with our commissioner. We just did this today (it was supposed to be a week and a half ago, but Jon ended up with a fever, and I was feeling crappy too). I have to say, he's a really nice guy and quite willing to help us figure out a spiritual, but non-religious ceremony. Which is kind of why we went with him. He's a Lutheran minister, but he's open minded about it not being right for everyone. And he actually took the time to get to know us a bit, so he can actually be more than just some guy who's there to make the paperwork official. I think that's important.


He also had some good tips on how to make an outdoor wedding feel a little less informal, length of the ceremony, where best to fit the handfasting in, etc. I think we chose well. (his website is here: click)


The last of the invitations has gone out (there are a couple of exceptions - there's a few people who we're giving the invites to by hand because we see them on a fairly regular basis). No RSVP's as yet, other than people who probably won't because we already know for sure that they're coming.

Next on the list of things to do is to figure out table rentals, apply for a 'letter of authority' (basically permission to have the ceremony in Fish Creek), figure out my dress (I'm seeing Chelsea on Friday, so we'll probably figure out a time to start it then), look into where to get the tiny ivy plants we're using as favours, find a place to pretty up Jon's ring, and then flowers and table decoration bits and pieces. It seems like a lot left, but really, it's not that much.

Pole Practise

I had the best pole practise tonight. Sometimes it's really refreshing to switch instructors up every once in a while.

I also find some styles of instruction suit me better than others - I feel like I progress better with more guided instruction. Instead of 'what are you working on today?' I prefer 'we're working on this move today'. You'd think the more specific would be hard to do with a class of people all at slightly different skill levels, but given that the moves have a progression to them, it's easier than you might think. Besides, even if it's a move you already have, there are always things you can do to polish and improve.

The benefit? I actually feel like I accomplished something this class.It's been awhile since I was so proud of myself for getting bruised on the pole learning something new (lol). I've made progress for sure, but it's been slow and since most of the people in my current class are a little bit ahead of me, I feel like I'm working on things alone. Yes I can ask questions, but it's missing that group sense of accomplishment when we're all working on getting the same things.

In any case, I may be switching to mondays on a more frequent basis in the near future.

Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, I worked on something called a 'cross ankle release', the 'extended butterfly' and my 'shoulder mount'

TM February 2012

Despite the fact that I missed this past weekend's lunar ritual (cold weather + not feeling well = stay home and sleep) I thought I'd post something anyway - I've been trying to write this post for a while now, but it never really came together. I figure now is as good a time as any. Also, I give anyone reading this fair warning: I am 'sensitive' to and work with various energies that exist in our world. I listen to my intuition and consider myself to be a spiritual person. If you don't believe in such things I will probably sound crazy to you. Don't worry about it though - it's a good kind of crazy ;)

When I first discovered Spira, one of the things I found most intriguing about it was it's use of archetypes in connecting to the divine. I've never really known why, but I've always hesitated to work specifically with a named god or goddess. The archetypes were a way for me to work with deity without having to jump into working with specifics. Instead of jumping in, I've been slowly easing my way towards it. I feel kind of like I've hit a block for the last 6 months or so - my Pantheon project is edging me closer than I'm comfortable with. It's strange though, because in all my experiences so far with the divine in our rituals, it's felt like coming home. Like remembering something I'd forgotten. But still I hesitate. And I procrastinate.


For a while now, I've known which archetype I resonate most strongly with. I finally came to a full realization of it at our yule ritual. We had a wisdom honouring that really brought it home to me that I do have a deeper connection to wisdom than I thought.

We had a discussion on what wisdom is to us and I was really surprised with some of the responses. To me, wisdom is a very practical thing, and the thought of it being unattainable or akin to an uphill journey never crossed my mind at all. The leader of the discussion seemed to have an understanding closer to my own - she said that wisdom is like the no nonsense grandmother who sits you down for a cup of tea when you're upset and lets you talk through your problem with her until you arrive at your own solution. I like this description of it, but it still doesn't really explain what wisdom is, or how to get to it.

Wisdom is hard to define. The simplest way I can think to describe it is as an awareness. An awareness that usually comes from experience.

The best description I've found was from a book I discovered as a teenager. It describes a word used by the Navajo that means beauty - 'the beauty that comes from being in harmony with the universe...aligned with the 'fitness of things'.*

There is also a celtic word that translates as 'Truth'. Their Truth is less true/false, and more of a relationship with life. Similarly, wisdom is also that relationship, that ability to be 'aligned with the fitness of things'.

Wisdom is in your relationship to everything else. It is your ability to feel your connection in the web. It takes understanding and awareness. It takes self-knowledge and compassion. It takes patience and courage and a willingness to face the truth about things. It also takes intuitiveness and an ability to flow with the current of the universe.

As hard as it is to describe, that connection is something I've always known. The tiny nagging details of daily life and the bustle of the city make me much less aware of it, but if I reach and pay attention, it's always there.

Wisdom. Just waiting for me to find it again.


* The book that I'm quoting from is 'Yearning for the Wind' by Tom Cowan. One of my most favourite books ever!

Addendum to my 'List' post

In writing that last post I kind of brought myself back to my focus, so I felt I had to add this on.

My mother shared with me the gift of a group of workshops she and I attended that gave me the tools and practice to uncover layers of myself and figure out what holds me back. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to let me stay in an 'I don't know what to do' state of mind for very long. I know too much about myself at this point to be in denial about how the choices I make affect my life.

Most of the things on my list are surface stuff. If I spend my time on them, I can avoid the things that would really fulfill me. And I already know what they are - I just can't seem to draw the courage to do them here and now - I mean, what happens if I do them and fail? If I try to do them and can't? What if I'm wrong and it won't actually fulfill me? I've been hiding in my 'I'll study this first' - and it's a long list.


As for what will actually fulfill me? The list is short.

1. Learn to be at home in wild places. This is where I find the divine, where I find myself, and the peace that is at my center. Where I find that part of me that is what 'me' comes from.

2. Working with Horses. This is one of the first things I can remember loving. I don't really know why it's so important to me, but my intuition says it is, and I've learned to trust that.

3. Dancing. this is my vehicle for self-expression. Another thing I remember loving at a very young age, it is an outlet for my emotion and creativity. I sing too, but dance does it more so. Singing takes me out of my body, dancing puts me solidly in it and what I feel.

And that's it. I love the intellectual stimulation of learning everything else, and all the stuff about homesteading and herbal medicine can only help with the life I want to live, but the three listed above are what will fulfill me. I want the rest for my life, but I don't really need them. I need people (or creatures - like horses) to love and connect with, the wild places for my soul and spirit, and dance for my emotions. The rest is just filling the empty places where these things should be.

What I really am not sure of, is how I get to there from here. It's funny how good we get at not doing the most important things. Everything in it's time I guess. Everything in time.

My List

I haven't updated my blog in a while, and I thought I should post something. I've been trying to work out some different topics that I might want to write about - it's actually harder than I thought to find things to write about when there isn't really anything exciting or different happening in my life.

Except one thing - I've been reading a lot lately.

To anyone who knows me, this isn't really new - I've always read a lot. But the content has changed. Before, where I used to read about fictional characters, now I'm reading about things that I want to learn more about. I don't think I'll ever stop learning - it's just that with so much information out there and so many different specialized areas, I feel like what I'm missing is focus. I've read about herbs. And since I stopped actively reading about herbs, I've started reading about nutrition. Kind of a natural extension from working at a vitamin store. And from that, I've started reading about fitness and how to be healthy in general. And now I find myself fascinated by reading about children and pregnancy.

I suppose there is a common theme here - health in general. I want to know everything I can know about how to live a healthy life. But still the focus is missing. Everything I'm learning is something I want to know to live better, and being an analytical type person, I find I don't just want to know - I want to KNOW and be and 'expert'. But I already know that being an 'expert' on every topic I'm interested in is going to be impossible. Especially when each thing I learn about leads me to the next. Especially when I already have a list.

So, just for fun, I'd like to share my current 'interested reading' list of topics, and the ones that are on the list that I haven't gotten to yet.

1. Pregnancy and childbirth. This is #1 right now. Not sure why - could be the impending wedding, and my biological clock which currently yells at me once a month to get started reproducing. There are a lot of babies in the mall where I work. And when my clock starts going I notice every. single. one.

2. Nutrition and healthy eating and healthy sleep habits and exercise. Until recently, this was my number one topic. Of course, I can only read that same kinds of stuff so many times before I start to get bored - I need new information, not the same old stuff regurgitated in different ways.

3. Herbs and Vitamins etc. This is a natural offshoot of my job, which keeps it interesting. I have to say though - I have a love/hate relationship with television doctors. It leans more towards the dislike side when people come in asking for a product and, if it's unfamiliar and I ask what it's for, the people don't even know 'Dr.so-and-so said it was good'. Drives me insane - do your homework people! If you're taking something, you should know what it does, why you need it, and the benefits and risks of taking it.

4. Dance. different styles of it, and of teaching it.

And finally, my list of things to work on that I haven't really been actively learning recently - no particular order:

5. Horses. How to train them, their health stuff, and pretty much everything. I have a block on this one - I can blame it on not having easy access to a living creature or need to use said knowledge. but really, it's my lack of creating said access. I'm still working that one through.

6. Learn guitar. I just think it sounds pretty and I really want to be able to play.

7. Astronomy. I'm not sure what use this one is, but I really want to be able to look at the sky and recognize what's up there.

8. Aikido. I've always kind of wanted to know how to defend myself. To feel secure in my ability to defend myself if necessary. This particular discipline appeals to me. I'd explain why, but this post is getting long...

9. Sumerian life and pantheon. This one is for my pagan learning schedule. I'm going through my second year learning for the Spira group, and I'm probably about halfway through. And it's only taken me almost two years to get that far (click for more info). I really should move this one up to my first list - the sumerians are fascinating to me, and I have a few library books on them right now. The reason for my delay will hopefully finally come together in another post. It's in progress - I guess we'll see.

10. Gardening. I've been semi working on this for a few years. I've given up trying to have one in Calgary, on a shaded balcony that I never sit on because I hate the traffic noise. Why do I live in a city? I decided when I was a teenager that I didn't want to live in one ever, yet here I am. A part of me says it's easier, things are closer, especially since I don't drive. Another part of me shrivels up more and more with each passing year - which brings me to my next interest.

11. Becoming Familiar with the Wild. I was looking at a program that one of my friends has taken (click) and it mentions somewhere that most modern humans are only tourists in nature. I don't want to be a tourist - I want to feel at home in the wild. I feel more separate now than I ever did growing up. I want to get back the feeling of the land and wild places as home.
12. Natural canning and preserving. This is part of my wish to be self-sufficient. I want to homestead one day. I have a yearning to live a simpler life. To be able to grow and forage and preserve all or most of the food and things we need to live. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that in this world, but I really want to know.

13. Basically the rest of what I'd need to know for homesteading. Weaving, spinning, basic carving, hunting, etc. It's a long list.

So there's my list. Little wonder I feel so unfocused. I don't know what I should be learning first. All I know is that I want to know all of it. Might take me a while. What do you think? Is all that(and probably more) impossible?

Pole Practice

I had a wonderful, awesome, amazing practise yesterday! There have been a few things that I've been working on incessantly for the last 6 months. Really, I should have been doing this a long time ago - I think there's a bit of a flaw in the student directed progression I had going (where I just kept going up in levels when I hadn't quite mastered a couple basics). About six months ago I had come to the point where I just wasn't progressing anymore in pole. I felt stuck. I was hard on myself. Why was I so weak, why, oh, why couldn't I get these new moves? And the answer, I think, was simple. I had holes in my basics. There were moves that I hadn't gotten, either due to slippage, lack or flexibility, lack of strength, and in one major case especially, lack of balance.

In short, my nemesis move - the one I just couldn't get, no matter how many times it was explained and demonstrated to. The tipover 'v' (here's a link to a pic, in case you want to know what it looks like: click)

I finally figured out how to do it right before christmas, and it was partly figuring out what muscles actually pull your hips up, as well as keeping balanced while you're up there. Everyone else I knew got it really really easily - I thought maybe my butt was too big or something. Then I got sick in the beginning of January and completely lost the move again.

Now I finally have it back, and building from that, I also finally got some moves that I only half-assed got before. Like the gemini, or outside leg hang (click). Mine doesn't look as pretty as this one, but now that I can hold it, I can play with the positioning until I get it right.

Other moves I've recently mastered (finally) include the reverse superman and the cross leg release (click and click)


Both of those I only got because now that I'm an instructor/assistant instructor, I'm always looking for new ways to explain and tweak so students can understand the body position of a move. So when I'm sitting in a move and it's not quite there, I literally think to myself 'if I were teaching myself, what would I tell me to do?'. I absolutely love teaching, but it's also the best thing I could have done to improve my own abilities on the pole! Here's a photo from my last photoshoot. Now that I'm starting to improve again, I look forward to the next one!

More Wedding Schtuff

I'm finally excited about this! I don't think it even really felt real before this point.

The invitations are finally finished. My next task is to fill in the reception, ceremony and rsvp details on a little insert, print them out at the library and then mail off the cards, hopefully by friday.

And...I finally found the perfect ring (insert silly grin here). We must have looked in five or six jewelery stores in the mall last friday, went to a couple big ones on saturday and found nothing. Today on my lunch break I went to one of the stores we had been in on Friday - I spoke to the same lady we talked to on friday (she was the most helpful out of all the stores we went to) and she showed me a couple other rings. Just when I was about to give up, she had the idea to take a look at the rings that come in pairs already, since they could order just one of the set. The first one of those I picked up was perfect. It doesn't come up too high, the band isn't too wide, it has a single stone in the middle with a couple little tiny ones to each side. And I can get it with a blue diamond.


I had originally wanted a coloured stone instead of a diamond (I was thinking sapphires or even garnet, since those are two of my favourite colours/stones) but since we were looking at blue stones, Jon happened to ask if there is such a thing as a blue diamond. And I have to say, I had no idea a stone could come in teal. They're my favourite colour! I've added a picture so you can see the colour.



Next up: caterer (Jon's supposed to call tomorrow), finalizing hall rental plans with Jon's mom, and meeting our commissioner next Thursday.

Imbolc 2012

A while ago I decided to post about my spiritual life on here. But it was hard to write much, mostly because I don't tend towards the spiritual when typing on a computer. I tend to think more about it when I'm outdoors, surrounded by nature. That's why I bring my notebook on walks with me.
I recently committed myself to posting once for each ritual I attend, mostly because it acts to remind me that I should write something, and also because I tend to be introspective about it after and I really don't have many people I can or want to discuss ritual with.

That said, I won't be posting much about the specifics of the ritual. Mostly for privacy reasons - I don't know how much the other members present would want shared, so I'll stick with my own experiences and leave the details for those who were there.

I loved this ritual last year. There were fewer people and I really opened up to the experience of feeling the energy and connecting to the part of myself that lives for the wild places. This year I didn't connect to it nearly as well. I think it was mostly to do with the fact that I haven't known a few of the people very long and I'm not as comfortable with them yet. Something to take note of for future rituals. I should also make a note to myself to work at getting to know the newer people better.

This time, instead of connecting to my wild self, I felt more deeply connected to the group as a whole. Every year at this ritual, we do a group protection spell. And this year I could really feel the weaving of the connections we all have to each other. The community and support that this group creates is simply amazing. And I want to help build that, and help keep it strong. I'm not sure exactly how to do that yet, but I guess I'll keep my eyes open for opportunity.

Wedding Updates

Well, I seem to have gotten into the swing of wedding planning now. I'm finally starting to feel excited about planning. Don't get me wrong - it's not like I was unhappy before. Just a little overwhelmed by all the details that needed seeing to.

But I spent the day making lists and talking about it with my coworkers and I'm actually feeling excited now.

We've tentatively booked a minister/commissioner (we want to meet him first)
Most of the plans for what we want are decided - now it's just a matter of locking in the details. I wanted to put some together pictorially so I'm putting them together here.

Flowers:
I wanted gerber daisies for my bouquet. Kind of like this picture, but with some ivy vines added and blue ribbon instead of black and red.

For the bridesmaids bouquets I was thinking maybe some regular or tiny daisies. Kind of like this picture (again, likely with blue ribbon instead of cream)

For the guys, I was thinking a sprig of baby's breath with some ivy and blue or white tull. I was going to add a white rosebud to Jon's. Something kind of like this picture.

Last, but not least, there's the centerpieces for the tables. I was thinking of using either a navy blue plate or a mirror plate as the bottom. Then I have rose bowls in which I want to put some rocks, and then a candle in.

Next to that, I wanted to put a potted ivy with some longer vines that could be wrapped around the circle of the plate. I might throw some daisy flowers with no stems on the plate as well.

So there's some of the decorations. More updates soon to come!

The Gift of Movement

It always amazes me how stuck people can be in their own bodies. How uncomfortable we are with them. They're not good enough. Too fat, too thin, too lumpy, too whatever. I admit it. I have too much cellulite, my stomach curves where I sometimes wish it didn't, and my lumpy bits are a little bit lopsided sometimes. But despite these things and my occasional bout with negativity, I have a body I can move. I can touch it and feel sexy, and I can look in a mirror and see beauty. And I don't even mind being a little bit overweight and pole dancing - I love that when we get students who don't start out fit that I can prove that anyone can do it, and you don't have to start out with a stereotypical sexy body to be sexy.**

This is the gift that pole dance has given me, and it's why I love teaching it. I even think it's the same reason I loved dancing as a kid - I discovered that moving with feeling gives me joy.

I just finished teaching a four week introduction to pole dance course, and I struggled with this one. I was sick for their first class and I felt like I had a hard time connecting to them. They seemed to be having a hard time with some of the movements, and I started questioning my ability in instructing them. After this last class, I no longer doubt my ability. It just took a little longer with them, and I think they were a little uncomfortable with their own sensuality.


But it's amazing what heels and a little red light can do.




As soon as I changed the atmosphere of the room, the girls in that class were completely different dancers. No longer did they worry about what they looked like while they were moving - and in not worrying about it, they suddenly had the moves they were struggling with. I was amazed at the difference. They went from being uncomfortable and unsure of how to move to confident and having fun just by turning some lights off and me giving them permission to not do everything perfectly as long as they did everything safely. I am truly grateful to be able to share that with them. To show them that they can be at home in their bodies, even as I'm still becoming comfortable in my own.














**I didn't realize that I was actually ok with it until I had someone who had come in to ask questions about classes say to me 'oh good, I'm glad you're here. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do it because I'm too fat.' After she left, we joked that she had called me fat without even realizing it. And truly, I wasn't insulted. I was glad I could be there to break her preconceived notions about whether she could be sexy and dance or not.

Wedding Stuff

So, here we are at the end of January already. I really don't know where the time went. I remember thinking that I'd have invitations sent out by the end of December. Silly me - I didn't think about how unavailable people are over the holidays (and how busy I was, lol).

In any case, I'm back to the planning. I've set a goal to have the invitations finished and mailed by or before Feb. 4th. I have a list of 14 commissioners I'm waiting to hear back from so Jon and I can go through and decide who we want.

So, here's the list right now:

- decide on wedding commissioner
- finalize the calculations for hall capacity (basically figure out how many people the hall will hold for dining, and then decide if it's big enough for our guests or if we have to look into booking a different hall)
- finish and send invitations (just waiting on commissioner decision to do this)
- get addresses for people from the appropriate family members
- start looking into tables/chair rentals for reception hall (if we go with the one we're looking at right now which doesn't come with said furniture)

That's my list for the week. Still feels a little overwhelming, but I feel like I'm ready to buckle down and make things happen! And the picture I've included up top? That's what I'm looking at for a bouquet right now. I think it's pretty. Just imagine it with navy blue and white ribbon around the bottom and maybe a sprig of ivy or something ;)

That's It, I'm Done...

I've had enough. I've played around with foods before. I remember going low glycemic and then having a donut and how sick it made me feel. I remember toying with the idea of going semi-vegetarian. And now I've played with Primal/Paleo eating.

It's made me realize something.

For some reason, when you cut grains out of your diet enough, when you do have them, they mess you up. Sorry, let me rephrase that. They mess ME up. I've been eating a little heavy on the bread and cookies side of things the last two days, and getting up from the couch just now, I felt a lot like this lady:


My right wrist is prone to tendonitis (basically it hurts when I bend it). Over christmas it hurt the worst it has in about 6 months. Mind you, I may have over used it a little crocheting a bit right before xmas, but when it doesn't get better at all over the two weeks after the holidays, and then suddenly clears up two days after I start limiting grains again it kind of makes me wonder. Especially since it's feeling a little achy now. As is my back, my other wrist, and the foot I sprained back in June. And my knees. Can't forget those - especially when you're limping into the kitchen to get some water.

Now it's been said that sitting on a couch is not a natural position. Some people have even been known to *gasp* not have furniture in their living rooms.



Okay, maybe I won't go that far. I may try sitting on the floor more often. And I may have to kick our coffee table out of the living room to do so. What? I have long legs. Extra stretching would probably help.

The image is from a blog I read - check it out: http://www.alignedandwell.com/?option=com_wordpress&Itemid=223

Then maybe one day I could do this:



Maybe I should add all the dots together. They seem to be pointing toward the whole primal/paleo thing (and yes, that includes resting positions and even sleep). It seems to be working for me. Or rather, not doing it seems to NOT be working. For anyone who's wondering what primal/paleo looks like, here's a plate.

So tomorrow, when I get home from dance, I vow to begin organizing the cupboards to get rid of the grains. They can have their own cupboard. Jon's cupboard. And if he wants anything in it cooked, he'll do it himself. (okay, that one might not stick - he really really likes it when I cook for him and I'm a sucker for puppy dog eyes).

Anyway. This I vow. Cupboards will be organized!

My Weekend To Do List

I have a lot going on this weekend.

So I thought I'd make a list to keep it straight.

1. call vet to figure out getting kitty fixed

2. email wedding commissioners for availability

3. pickup 'natural calm' and natren 'digest' for Jon and bottle wine for game night

4. clean living room

5. stop by work to pick up card, the go to rockyview hospital to visit Jessica.

6. After, go to B & A's house for Spiral Night get together

7. saturday, go teach pole

8. come home and make cookies and veggie dip

9. game night!

TM January 2012

As you can tell from the name of my blog, I had a specific focus when I started it. I wanted to write about things that connect me to the world, things that engage my senses. I've found one of the biggest ways I do that is through my spirituality, which tends to revolve around experiencing the natural world.

I'm part of a group of pagans in Calgary known as Spira (see www.spiracanada.com for more info). We get together for seasonal and lunar rituals. Since ritual is my reminder to nourish my spiritual side, and I don't really have a set schedule to write about my musings, I thought I'd try to post around the same time each ritual takes place.

I've been feeling a little bit disconnected lately. I had a hard time writing my part of the ritual this last weekend. The element calls can be fairly basic, but writing a meaningful body is hard when you're not feeling the meaning very well. I suppose part of that is leaving it to the last minute to get myself in the headspace to write. I think next time I'm going to try writing it the night before since the night seems to offer more inspiration for the lunar rituals. And it's got to offer more than the inspiration I get writing on the train ride there.

Other than that, I've been meaning to write about my latest Liana project for a bit. I kind of wish I could go for coffee with someone one on one to talk about it, but writing about it might clear it up in my mind just as well.

So, for the Liana year there are a certain number of projects that get done, and most of the projects allow you to explore your beliefs as they apply to you. The one I'm working on currently is a deity pantheon research project. And I'm not fully clear on why, but I've found myself forever putting off the actual writing part of it. I feel like I'm very hesitant to work with any deities at all; I've been like that since I first discovered paganism as a teenager. I've always avoided working with specific deities.

That's not to say I don't believe in a higher power or deity energy. I'm perfectly fine working with a nameless, faceless masculine and feminine energy, especially as connected to wild places. I've only avoided working with any named deities. And lately I've started wondering why.

It's strange too that working with messages from drawn down deities doesn't make me hesitate - quite the opposite actually, working with them like that feels familiar, and I feel very connected to them. Seems very odd to me that I'd be hesitant to work with them myself.

Even as I ponder this and say I'm not sure, I know it's a cop-out. I know exactly why I'm hesitant. I don't want to say it because then I won't have any excuse for not doing it. But to be truthful, I think I'm hesitant because the deities I'm most drawn to are wisdom and truth deities. And they tend to have a semi-dark no-nonsense, take-no-excuses part. I'm not sure I'm ready to be bludgeoned by the truth, lol. It's not always easy to see the truth of things, and perhaps to protect myself from that I'm holding myself back from it. I'm not ready to lean out over the edge of myself and trust the universe to keep me from falling. Or maybe even let me fly.

New Year, New Beginnings

Sorry for the cheesy title. I figured it was true, especially since I've been once again neglectful of my blog for a couple months. But I'm back again (mostly by request of my family in BC - yes, Dad, I'm talking about you). I was thinking about why I haven't been writing lately, and I guess I never really dedicated anything to write about. So I'm going to try to work on that and start writing down about the main things I do in my life. Here's my list:

1. I want to track my journey with trying out S Factor - basically a movement class for women to reconnect with the beauty and sensuality of their body.

2. I want to write about my journey with Spira. That's my pagan group, in which I am in the Liana year (have been for the last year and a half, and likely will take at least one more year - the journey takes the time it takes). This includes seasonal and moon ritual experiences and projects I'm working on for my liana learning (Liana is a tree sapling, in case anyone was wondering)

3. As most will know, I am supposed to be getting married. The whole planning thing is a pain, and I would rather have a small, informal, even potluck wedding (I think probably the best wedding - well, handfasting - I've been to was my older brother's). Unfortunately, it sounds like Jon wants to be more formal, and he keeps telling random people he knows (barely) through work that they can come. Drives me crazy. Getting closer to the new date now though (Saturday, May 26th) so I'm kicking out the procrastination and we're getting this thing done.

4. I can get a bit overwhelmed sometimes with all the things I'm learning and doing and reading about and want to do, so I may try making a 'list of the week' thing on here again. It didn't last long the last time I did, but I'll throw it in here, just in case