As you can tell from the name of my blog, I had a specific focus when I started it. I wanted to write about things that connect me to the world, things that engage my senses. I've found one of the biggest ways I do that is through my spirituality, which tends to revolve around experiencing the natural world. I'm part of a group of pagans in Calgary known as Spira (see www.spiracanada.com for more info). We get together for seasonal and lunar rituals. Since ritual is my reminder to nourish my spiritual side, and I don't really have a set schedule to write about my musings, I thought I'd try to post around the same time each ritual takes place.
I've been feeling a little bit disconnected lately. I had a hard time writing my part of the ritual this last weekend. The element calls can be fairly basic, but writing a meaningful body is hard when you're not feeling the meaning very well. I suppose part of that is leaving it to the last minute to get myself in the headspace to write. I think next time I'm going to try writing it the night before since the night seems to offer more inspiration for the lunar rituals. And it's got to offer more than the inspiration I get writing on the train ride there.
Other than that, I've been meaning to write about my latest Liana project for a bit. I kind of wish I could go for coffee with someone one on one to talk about it, but writing about it might clear it up in my mind just as well.
So, for the Liana year there are a certain number of projects that get done, and most of the projects allow you to explore your beliefs as they apply to you. The one I'm working on currently is a deity pantheon research project. And I'm not fully clear on why, but I've found myself forever putting off the actual writing part of it. I feel like I'm very hesitant to work with any deities at all; I've been like that since I first discovered paganism as a teenager. I've always avoided working with specific deities.
That's not to say I don't believe in a higher power or deity energy. I'm perfectly fine working with a nameless, faceless masculine and feminine energy, especially as connected to wild places. I've only avoided working with any named deities. And lately I've started wondering why.
It's strange too that working with messages from drawn down deities doesn't make me hesitate - quite the opposite actually, working with them like that feels familiar, and I feel very connected to them. Seems very odd to me that I'd be hesitant to work with them myself.
Even as I ponder this and say I'm not sure, I know it's a cop-out. I know exactly why I'm hesitant. I don't want to say it because then I won't have any excuse for not doing it. But to be truthful, I think I'm hesitant because the deities I'm most drawn to are wisdom and truth deities. And they tend to have a semi-dark no-nonsense, take-no-excuses part. I'm not sure I'm ready to be bludgeoned by the truth, lol. It's not always easy to see the truth of things, and perhaps to protect myself from that I'm holding myself back from it. I'm not ready to lean out over the edge of myself and trust the universe to keep me from falling. Or maybe even let me fly.
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