Found my Sit-Spot

I think I've found my sit spot for the 30 day challenge I'll be doing so I stay sane this May.

I thought about making it in fish creek park, but in the end decided against it - it will be too hard to get there every day. I needed somewhere closer, but still with at least a bit of privacy, and the possibility of sharing it with animals.

The spot is far from ideal, but it's a spot that's nearby (less than a minute away), and there's grass and trees and bushes. There's near-constant traffic off to the right, and even at night it's not nearly dark (the lights from nearby buildings are quite blinding in fact), but it's a spot. Interestingly, although I found a spot that seemed more likely to have animals around (there are more bushes for cover, a view of an open field, and a dumpster nearby), I wasn't comfortable there. Too much human traffic I guess. The area I ended up with feels more calm and relaxing to me. It's set a little back from all the apartments, near the fence that is the border between our admin office and the parking lot of the adjacent condos.

 It feels quiet, and there's a big tree there that has some presence to it. Even if I don't see any animals there, I'll still feel connected, which is kind of why I wanted to do this in the first place. It was never the animals I connected to before anyway. It was the trees, and the feeling of being rooted in a place - the connection my feet feel.

 I only spent 10 minutes there today, but I look forward to spending more time there. I'll try to post a picture of the spot later :)

Time to melt the wax off

I don't know exactly what it is, but I feel today as though a switch has been flipped. Maybe it's an effect of the fever I had for the last 3 days, maybe just the season, or the year. Maybe it was just time.

I feel a coming back to myself. A returning, if you will, to a part of myself that I gave up when I came to Calgary. The part of myself that had a connection to home.

Let me start at the beginning though. Six years ago I was lost. I had graduated high school, but had no idea who and what I wanted to be, or do. In an effort to figure that out, I decided to move to Calgary and study herbology. I knew I was giving things up to do this. Mainly the security and comfort of living close to family. I had to let go of being a little girl. I had to let go of the place I knew was home, although even now the scent of young alders and forest floor reminds me - the scents of all the green things that grow and die on the island.

But there were things I didn't know I was giving up, not really. First among these are my closeness with my family. Especially I miss being able to watch as my nephew and nieces grow. My siblings too. I miss my sister especially - I used to feel closest to her and now I hardly know her at all - and she's as hard to get a hold of by phone as I am, lol.

The other thing I didn't realize I was giving up was my connection to place. As a child and teenager, connecting to nature was effortless. I even went to far as to decide when I was 14 that I never wanted to live in a city. And then I moved to calgary. I told myself it was temporary, and that I'd be back in the wilderness as soon as school was done. But I'm still here. It's something I struggle with.

Connected to that, I also lost a part of myself. When I gave up my connection to the land, to place, I feel like I gave up my connection to everything. The part of myself that loves celtic music went missing, the seeker and wanderer lay down beside the road and had a nap, the singer was silent, and the witch in me had a long winter. In the end I spent six years growing and learning and figuring out who I am, and who I want to be. And now I discover that all these parts of myself that I love the best didn't go away entirely - they've been felt in whispers here and there. They were partly obscured as I changed, exploring different edges of myself, figuring out where the edges are, or where I want them to be.

Like the swirl of colour when making a ukrainian easter egg. When the egg http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifis blackest is when it's ready to be revealed for all its bright and colourful beauty. I've been died and waxed and now I'm started to melt the wax away to remember what is underneath.

It's time to reconnect. To the land, to nature, to meaningful friendships, to family, to myself, to magic, to LIFE.

And I want to thank a friend of mine for the music that inspired this post. I cannot believe that I've known this woman for so long and not gotten a cd yet, though I've thought her music beautiful for a long time. Here's a link to my favourite song tonight, and to her website :)

The song: Drift

Her website : http://www.soramusic.ca/

S Practise

I had my S-Factor practice tonight. I skipped last week since I was tired, but I was really looking forward to this one all day. I even admired my thighs this morning, lol.

Usually, when I look at them, I see cellulite and feel like they're too big. You'd think, since they've been big since I was a kid that I'd be used to them by now, but I still find myself looking for the flaws.

I don't know what it is, but this morning, that changed. I felt strong. My legs felt curvy and sensuous and long. It was nice.

And tonight on my way home from work, a song came on my playlist and reminded me of the ocean. I found a bunch of other watery songs and made a playlist for my practice.

When I got home I set everything up and started moving. My water playlist was perfect. Here's a link to the song that started it: click

Unfortunately, Jon got a ride home from work, so he got home about where I was doing the quad stretch. I still finished my practice, but my awareness of where he is in the apartment distracted me from being fully present in my body. So I kind of skipped the last bit, even though it's my favourite part.

I've really got to figure out a time to practice when he's not home. And I look forward to playing around with my water music.

TM March 2012

I know this is a little bit late, given that our ritual was last week - I just wasn't sure what to post about.

Last week was the first ritual I hosted. Everyone came to visit me for ritual instead of me going to somewhere else. That in itself felt a little strange to me. The other part of it was that I don't have a ritual area set up here. I have my 'altar' area on top of my bookshelf, but I don't have a special space just for ritual in the apartment - at least not a space that's set up for a group. And I kind of feel like I want one now.

The ritual itself was nice. I had my table and the candles and they brought the grove deity statues. but it didn't feel quite right to me. I didn't feel fully connected to my sacred space. Part of that might be because when I hold ritual in my space, it's usually an outdoor space. Could be the room just isn't right for it. I'm not fully sure.

I think, in actuality, the room was too bare to feel connected in. I kind of put the space together with what I had, and it worked, but I want to create a space that's specific. All I did was clean the spare room and put a table and some candles in; I didn't turn it into a special space.

In the ritual, there was a section where we asked for something from one of the independence archetype deities, and I asked for the strength and independence to remember and remind myself to take time for me. Especially so as we move into the last 7-8 weeks of planning before the wedding. It already feels stressful and that takes its toll. If I want to remain a pleasant person to be around through it, I'm going to have to take some alone time for me. And part of what I want to do for that is something I've been reading about for a while. Let me explain:

I have a friend who has done this training in an online course, called the Kamana Naturalist Training. Basically, it sounds like it's about connecting and being comfortable in nature. The website mentions that most of us are 'tourists' in the natural world - we like to visit, but we're not at home there. And I totally understand this because in BC, where my parents lived, I was at home with nature. Here, I am a tourist. I've been in Calgary for almost 6 years now, and I still don't know the nature here. It's too easy to avoid in a city. It's like trying to learn a language by taking a class once a week (or less). That's how little I get to see a truly natural area in the city. Maybe once a week if I remember.

But I digress. I'm actually somewhat interested in doing the program that he did. I just don't want to seem like I'm copying. That seems silly just saying it - but the fact that I feel that way even a little makes me hesitate. If I was sure I wanted to do it, I'd already be doing it. In any case, the reason I mention it is because I was poking around the site the other day, and I found out that they have a 'sit-spot' challenge for the month of May this year.

The sit spot is the core of their program. It's basically a natural spot you go to once a day, just to observe. It makes a lot of sense to me - you have to spend time in nature to feel at home in there. And I miss feeling at home there.

So I want to do this 30 day challenge thing, first to take time for me, second to be more at home in nature and third to see if I want to try this Kamana thing.

I'll let you know how it goes as I figure it out myself :)

My Monday Class is Awesome!

I had an awesome class again tonight. I love my monday class. It's really allowed me to really work full out without worrying about being too tired to teach later. Which means I'm actually trying harder to get stuff.

Today, I got my caterpillar push to forearm grip butterfly. Now I just have to work on keeping my chest pulled back away from the pole. I kind of feel like I'm holding on for dear life right now, lol.

Worked on my wrong side scorpio. I can't remember the last time I worked on this move. I still managed to hold it, but it needs to be stronger before I can do a switch from the left side to the right.

Also, I did a deadlift! This is where you do an invert in the air - no feet touching the ground (a lot of people start out having to kick up from the ground to get into it). Mind you, I half pulled myself up by my legs, but I got my legs up there enough to get on the pole! Its one of the moves I was afraid I'd never be able to get.

And we were instructed to listen to our choreography music a lot, to get to know it. I was listening on the way home and I already started thinking of moves that would fit. And then I started really thinking about the lyrics (the song is 'perfect lie' by the engine room - click for a link to the song on youtube)

It feels like a song about wanting to be perfect, not being satisfied. In listening more closely to the lyrics, it kind of makes me want to tell the story of someone who wasn't satisfied with their looks, had them changed/tries to change them, but then realizes that they're still not satisfied, and that it has nothing to do with their looks at all.

I thought it might be fun to do something with a mask as a prop for this one. Not sure how that would work with the aerial stuff, but I'll mention it and see if anyone wants to play around with the idea.

I love choreographing!

More Wedding Updates

The days and weeks seem to be going by very fast now. Only a little less than 8 weeks left until the wedding. My to-do list has been whittled down bit by bit and now there's mostly details left. But so many details!

Makes me glad I've got my list(s)

I went with my friend who is making my dress today and found a pattern, and got the rest of what she needs to make it. Measuring and cutting of fabric will be next Friday. Here's a picture from the pattern website. Just imagine it in white. I'm not sure if the ribbon at the side is going to be white, or if I want it to be dark blue, but I like how feminine it looks. I love getting dressed up in pretty things.


Also, I picked up my ring last week. I only got to look at it the once and now I'm not allowed until the ceremony (lol) but it's really pretty.

Things remaining on list:

- send check to fish creek park people to pay for letter of authority
- Jon's ring
- hash out the exact layout/details of the ceremony
- figure out where we're getting the flowers from to make bouquets etc. (since I want to make them myself)
- last bits of table centerpieces
- ivy plants
- finish dress, find shoes
- figure out how I want my hair and makeup (if any)

There's some other stuff, but I won't bore you with ALL the details. Check back for more updates as I slowly freak out over how little time there is left :)