Xmas is crazy as usual :)

I had all these great plans for blogging. Updating my 'find my happy' projects. Things about Jamie. Our outdoor nature time.

Here we are a month and a half later and I've done none of these things. Life has gotten busy and I forget to find time. Until Jamie has an extra long nap and I finish my book and remember my once-upon-a-time plan to blog.

Its Christmas this week. I spent some time madly crocheting animal toys. I did a tiny bunny, snowman, sheep, two mice, two birds, and a spider. I'm working on knitting Jamie's scarf/hood still as well as a scarf for Jon. I'm working on drawing some stuff, and I want to crochet a tiny animal for Jamie's stocking. There's also lots of Xmas baking to do still as well as perogies and cabbage rolls to make.

The Three Strains

So, I've been doing some thinking about things I can do that make me happy. Maybe that's the wrong way to put it though. Its not the things themselves that make happiness - its the balance they bring to my life and the state of mind they inspire.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that it isn't happiness I'm looking for anyway. Let me explain.

 In Celtic mythology there are three strains of music - the music of tears, the music of laughter and the music of sleep. And in some of the stories people use music in that order (sad, happy, peaceful) to heal people.

I think the underlying theme there is that the duality of sad and happy isn't enough to sustain a person. The waves of emotion come and go but it is the stillness of the depths that hold the heart of the ocean.

And that's what I seem to have lost. I have both happy and sad moments. I laugh with Jamie often and sometimes feeling lost and direction less keeps me up at night.

I don't think I've truly come to terms with the changes in my life. I haven't mourned the passing of the maiden nor truly celebrated her transformation into a mother. And so the peace eludes me.

To live in the old Celtic notion of Truth (in harmony with life). That is what I'm trying to get back to.

Seeking

So, after all the many changes having a child brings, I find myself at a loose end these days, feeling lost and often very alone.

Eight years ago I moved to Calgary. I left my home and family and while it was terrifying it was also good to stretch and discover myself in a new way. But leaving instilled a grief in me that has never really left. I am a person who needs family and friends nearby for frequent visiting and I currently have neither. Jon's parents are close by but their reserve and need to deal privately with illness seems to block the connection I would like.

My main connections in Calgary were through work. So when my mat leave was done and going back to the job I had didn't work our, it was both a losing connection and losing one of the last bits of my pre-baby life. And so there is a part of me that is grieving as I try to move on and it is difficult to not get bogged down in my own negative thoughts some days.

So there are things missing in my life that I need to be whole. And when life overwhelms with things that need doing for other people (I remember free time...really, doesn't happen anymore) my needs can be forgotten, even by me. Especially when I don't really know what they are anymore.

I have some thoughts, some ideas to try. So let this be my declaration. I will find that missing something. I will work my way through the muck that I'm stuck in and I will find a way to put the deep happiness back in my life. Enough of this just-getting-through.

I'm back....yet again

Well, last this blog saw, I was 12 weeks pregnant and still nauseous. That feels like a lifetime ago now. Its been almost 2 years since then and I can't believe it. My little guy (yes, it was a boy) turned one year last month.

So I've had to decide: start a whole new blog for what feels like a whole new me? Or resurrect the long neglected blog I already have. As you can see, I went with resurrection.

New topics that will hopefully be covered include babies, parenting thoughts, getting back in shape, finding new fun places to visit, and my new long term goals (the ones where I create a fulfilled and deliberately happy life instead of the strange existence I've currently found myself in)

Lots to look forward to I hope! So look for new posts coming soon.