Eight years ago I moved to Calgary. I left my home and family and while it was terrifying it was also good to stretch and discover myself in a new way. But leaving instilled a grief in me that has never really left. I am a person who needs family and friends nearby for frequent visiting and I currently have neither. Jon's parents are close by but their reserve and need to deal privately with illness seems to block the connection I would like.
My main connections in Calgary were through work. So when my mat leave was done and going back to the job I had didn't work our, it was both a losing connection and losing one of the last bits of my pre-baby life. And so there is a part of me that is grieving as I try to move on and it is difficult to not get bogged down in my own negative thoughts some days.
So there are things missing in my life that I need to be whole. And when life overwhelms with things that need doing for other people (I remember free time...really, doesn't happen anymore) my needs can be forgotten, even by me. Especially when I don't really know what they are anymore.
I have some thoughts, some ideas to try. So let this be my declaration. I will find that missing something. I will work my way through the muck that I'm stuck in and I will find a way to put the deep happiness back in my life. Enough of this just-getting-through.
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