Autumn Clearing, Winter Dreams

I went for a long walk in Fish Creek Park today. I needed to think.

I've come around to a place again where I am feeling very displaced, and disconnected.

I believe in the theory that all of our emotions are held in the body, and over time, when there are emotions you have a hard time with, you stiffen those parts up and instead of working through things, you just cease to use them, and stop looking at those feelings. I've felt like this since I came to Calgary - lost, disconnected, not knowing where home is. But after the first little while I stopped feeling it, or rather, I stopped noticing the feeling as much.

Now that I'm moving myself deliberately again certain emotions that I stopped paying attention to are coming up again. Only this time I'd like to actually work through them, instead of just thinking that Calgary is temporary and I'll be going home again. Now comes the time when I have to choose how and where I want to live, at least for now.

It's kind of interesting that this all fits in with the messages from the divine I've gotten recently.

The first part involves cleaning and clearing my mind and life - saying 'no' to everything that stops me from taking time for myself.

The second involves reconnecting with people. I have a tendency to isolate myself. I need time alone to unplug from the rush that is the city, and if I don't take that time I really do not make for good company. It starts to feel like an obligation.

And last is the message that came while I was walking. Because of the season, I should follow the trees example and let go of what is no longer useful. Let go of the need to 'go home' again, of the need to resist making connections here because I'm not staying. Let go of all that, clear my mind and heart of the debris my longing has left. And once the autumn clearing is done, I can relax into winter's dreaming to dream of what home needs to be.

There really is something about a brown and gold autumn wood at dusk, when everything is quiet and cold and crisp. Something about the feel of autumn's descent into death calls to me, and fills something deep inside me with peace. Spring fills me with joy and energy, summer and winter are there to provide contrast, and autumn fills me with peace.

So, I suppose I will take the message of the falling leaves, and surrender to the inevitable chill of winter, and use that time to nourish what roots me in this life - in short, to remember where my home is.

How to Sooth a Cat in Heat

As I am typing this, there is a great deal of yowling going on. Yes, the cat is in heat again. They wouldn't sit still for a picture, but they basically look like this:

Mira is rubbing up against anything she can get her horny little paws on (oh how she loves me. And the walls, the chair legs, the other cat, my pole, and even the floor). Elizabeth, in true cat fashion, looks on in disapproval - yesterday when she came down the hallway to greet me in the morning, she kept looking back at Mira who was following. By the time they got to me, Elizabeth was running to get away from her!

So far, the only thing that quiets her is if you hold her and pet her (no yowling, but she keeps making little pigeon-y noises), and peppermint oil in the diffuser. Not sure why the peppermint oil works, but at least she calms down for a while.

Anyway. In other news, I'm finally finished my routine for the taboo show. I now have about 2 weeks to practise and perfect it before performing. I am definitely feeling like I left it a little late. At least it's done now.

Not much else going on. Possibly a Spira Halloween party this weekend, depending on what Jon's working. I'll have to throw a costume together quickly, but I'm sure I can manage.

And hopefully, more posts coming soon! Especially if I manage to stop procrastinating and actually start setting wedding plans in motion.

So...Why S Factor?

This is my third attempt at writing this post. There's just so much I want to say and explain that it's hard to be clear and organize my thoughts on it.

Basically, I bought the S Factor DVD's not because of a new style of dance I want to learn, or a new trick. I got them because I've read multiple accounts of women who take the classes changing utterly in their perception of themselves and what they are capable of.


So I bought the DVD's and my friend and I committed to getting together at least once a week to practice it together. And it's funny, but even after only having gone through the movement series three times I already feel changed. I find myself doing hip circles in the bathroom while I'm brushing my teeth. I luxuriate in the feel of my hand playing with my hair while I read. I appreciate my body in a way I didn't before. And I've only done this three times!

The founder of S Factor, Sheila Kelly, has a mission: To make women feel better about themselves, right now. To help them realize their worth, not after losing 10 lbs, not after changing themselves, but as they are, right now. She says S Factor is like 'Fight Club' for women. The boxing in fight club was a way for men to regain their feeling of masculinity. S Factor is a way for women to reconnect to their feminine side. Or as S Factor puts it, their 'Erotic Creature'.

And this is especially important because we have a problem. I'm going to put a quote from another blogger here because he says it more succinctly than I ever could (and I'll include the link at the end of my post if anyone wants to read the rest of it).

'We have a problem. Women are ugly. Women are fat. Women are bad mothers. Women are bad wives. Women are bad daughters. Women have too much cellulite in their thighs. Their abdomens are too flabby. Women are stupid. Women are scatter-brained. Women don’t dress well enough. They don’t have clear enough complexions. They don’t have skin that is soft enough. Women are too dominant. Women are too passive. Women are nothing but doormats. Women aren’t good enough. Women will never be good enough. Women are, simply put, worthless.'

It's an epidemic, and I bet that any woman I know or have ever met has felt this way at some point or another. There is no escaping our culture, and we compound it by bringing each other down. We've all been trained so well by what is acceptable and decent that any woman who steps outside that and dares to celebrate their sexuality or wear something revealing is branded a whore by other women. And that is what is truly sad.


They say that women celebrating their sexuality for the enjoyment of men is a degrading thing. Perhaps, when women celebrate their sexuality for themselves, in the context of only having other women there will be different. Perhaps it will allow us to celebrate our power and hold each other up instead of tearing each other down. And that is what S Factor is about. That is why I get more from a practice done for three weeks with a friend than I get from pole classes for the last two and a half years. This is why I love it already. And why I want to share it. Every woman should try S Factor just once to see what a difference this innocuous fitness routine can make for them.

The article: worthless women:
http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/worthless-women-and-men-who-make-them.html

the other article: the campfire theory:
http://www.sfactor.com/sheila_kelleys_workout/archives/11/about_smagazine_article.asp

Thoughts on Food

So I've been thinking on food a lot lately. Reading things about healthy eating, about what our ancestors ate, and what we eat now and why. And I suppose it's finally been brought home to me yet again exactly what we've been doing to our planet.

I've heard it said since I was a teenager that modern farming practices deplete the soil. I never realized what that means. Well, with what I've been reading lately, I finally realize.

Simply put, what it means is this: using currents farming practices, worldwide we have only about 80 to 100 years left of viable topsoil. In only 80 to 100 years, the land that is being used to produce food will no longer be able to do so. At all. And then we'll start to have quite the issues with feeding our population.
And my own sense of personal responsibility says that if I eat foods grown in a way that depletes the soil, then I am responsible for depleting the soil just as much, if not more so than the farmer who grew it.

Even organic food growing depletes the soil faster than nature replenishes it. So the real question is: what do we need to do to change this?

Luckily, the articles and books and documentaries I've been reading and watching/listening are not just spouting off about what's wrong with the world. They look at what can be done as well. It's not all simple, but it really is in line with what I've been searching towards - when I think about how I want a garden, it's not flowers, it's vegetables and herbs that I think of. I love the idea of growing things (although my forays into balcony gardening so far have all been disappointing), but I want to grow useful things. There is no place in my garden for plants that do not serve a use, either through creating compost to replenish the garden, food, medicine, or attracting pollinators to the more useful plants.

And if you don't have enough space for a garden of your own, there are now organizations of something called 'CSA'. Community Sustained Agriculture. I think it's a step in the right direction - moving closer to growing enough food to sustain yourself. Basically you buy a share in the farm in exchange for a percentage of the harvest (and with most of them, you can offer to come help out if you want the experience of gardening/farming without doing it all yourself to start out with).

I often thought about how people seem to be happier in places where life is harder, where they have less. All evidence points to growing your own food being harder than the life I lead now where all I have to do is work for money and buy it. But for some reason the difficulty of it doesn't seem to matter when I think about wanting to do this - I have a feeling the sense of accomplishment attached to it is worth more than all the extra time I have for other things.

The satisfaction of being able to grow enough food to be self-sufficient and sustainable is worth more to me than any amount of stuff I could ever buy.

Finally finding the S

So I finally did it. I finally got the S-Factor DVD's.

I've wanted them for a while. I've been thinking about getting them probably since last June. Really before that, but I started seriously considering it in May/June.

The reason for this is mostly because, while I enjoy my pole classes, there's something missing from them. There was a hint of what I was looking for when I was in level 1, and a bit in level 2. After that, it became a class of learning pole tricks. We were encouraged to do a freestyle or choreography at the end of every session, but there was never any guidance given on how to put one together, or practice at freestyle dance. I think because of this, there were very few students who were interested in doing a performance for the last class of every session - especially so for those who were shy or had no dance background. Hell, the only reason I'm interested in it is because I remember dancing as a child in my parents basement and how much I loved it. The folk dance (ukrainian/highland/irish) classes I took later on were fun but they didn't touch the joy I felt during my solitary forays into lyrical dance as a kid.

Basically I'm looking for more dance oriented movement. So I got the DVD's - there isn't actually any pole work on the main one - there's a separate DVD for pole work. The focus is mainly on actual dance.



There's more I want to write about this - I've been reading the blogs of a few people who go to actual classes, and it sounds like it has a deeper potential than just dance. But that's another post ;)

First Class!

So I taught my first pole class today. It was great. I was a little nervous, as most first time teachers probably are, but I've been assisting long enough (and the instructor I assist with is awesome for letting me get some practise actually teaching in her classes) that once I got the students in the class, the how part just fell into place.

There are of course a few things I could work on - making sure not to over-complicate the explanations is one. I had to remind myself of that today. And I need to have some kind of a set plan for timing of different parts and how many times we run through a thing.

The girls in class today picked everything up super quick though - I even got to the point of giving them little hints and tips to make things more graceful.

All in all, I'd say it was good first class. A few of them were quite excited for next week, so that made me happy :) Always good for a teacher if the students enjoy the class.

My Leo - hear him roar? er...talk. A lot.

Sometimes it's exhausting living with a Leo. It's been a long day at work and all, and you get home exhausted and all you want to do is read some stuff on the computer, or relax with a book and a cup of tea, or even an interesting TV show. But in comes Leo, the epicenter of the universe (at least his universe, anyway) and now your job is to sit in rapt attention at his feet while he regales you with heroic tales of his exploits at work.

And as your eyes begin to glaze, or you stare longingly at your book/computer/tv, you start to feel bad for not being interested in how heroic he is in his story.


Okay, so I'm being a bit dramatic. But I'm busy, and I need time to unwind. And I love reading and learning about new things. And there's just not enough time in my life to do everything I would love to do. And it shouldn't be this way (yes, that was me being a victim)

Okay, I think I'm done now.

I also think that mostly, I need to find a way to relax and refresh myself in a solitary manner - in nature, or closed into the spare room with a book or my computer. I need to refresh my tolerance for the world, because after being in a busy, noisy mall all day (especially when my boss is stressed about stuff, which happens fairly easily) it's hard to want to be around other people who don't refresh my soul.

My Leo doesn't understand the quiet and stillness needed to refresh my soul. Or rather he doesn't understand WHY I need that - he rejuvenates himself with noise and people and one-upping others, and he relaxes himself with smoking and alcohol. He doesn't understand why I hate the constant traffic outside our window, or the joys that can be had by working in a garden and watching patiently while things grow. And because he doesn't get it, I am going to have to work very hard at not just letting it slide. I need MY time, away from all of it, so I can feed my soul.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So I have once again been neglecting this blog. And there have been a couple things that I've been thinking about posting about. In any case what I want to update about tonight is my primal eating experiment.

I haven't kept to my big-ass salad plan, although I have eaten it more often than not (and had some of the best salads I've ever had). What I have cut down on is all processed foods (I've pretty much had nothing processed except some strongbow, a glass of wine or two, the occasional bit of cheese and some 90% dark chocolate). I've also been eating pretty low-carb, which is a side-effect of eating like 'Grok' (not no-carb, but between 50 and 150 g a day from fruits and veggies and nuts).

So, since I've been getting most if not all my carbohydrates from fruits and veggies, and not having any grains, I thought it might be interesting to note what would happen if I had a lot all at once - and I figure, since it's Thanksgiving, what the hell?

So today I have had a bagel, some gravy, and pumpkin pie with whipped cream, eggnog and some root veggies like potatoes and turnips that are higher in carbs/insulin spiking effects. In all it was approximately 350g carbs, quite a few of those from sugar and white flour (ah, pie - and I really don't think pumpkin was worth it).

At first it just made me sleepy - and I got 10 hrs sleep last night. That's kind of gone away now though, since I had the eggnog (probably the sugar in it). Now I'm kind of wheezing/coughing a little and having a hard time catching my breath. Also, I had a bit of heartburn after pie - and I NEVER get heartburn. Including tonight, I can count on 3 fingers the number of times I can remember having heartburn in my life. And one of those was the result of a hangover. So I'd say that the refined flour and sugar in large quantities doesn't agree with me.

So I will continue to avoid it. Score one for the primal eating experiment