Autumn Clearing, Winter Dreams

I went for a long walk in Fish Creek Park today. I needed to think.

I've come around to a place again where I am feeling very displaced, and disconnected.

I believe in the theory that all of our emotions are held in the body, and over time, when there are emotions you have a hard time with, you stiffen those parts up and instead of working through things, you just cease to use them, and stop looking at those feelings. I've felt like this since I came to Calgary - lost, disconnected, not knowing where home is. But after the first little while I stopped feeling it, or rather, I stopped noticing the feeling as much.

Now that I'm moving myself deliberately again certain emotions that I stopped paying attention to are coming up again. Only this time I'd like to actually work through them, instead of just thinking that Calgary is temporary and I'll be going home again. Now comes the time when I have to choose how and where I want to live, at least for now.

It's kind of interesting that this all fits in with the messages from the divine I've gotten recently.

The first part involves cleaning and clearing my mind and life - saying 'no' to everything that stops me from taking time for myself.

The second involves reconnecting with people. I have a tendency to isolate myself. I need time alone to unplug from the rush that is the city, and if I don't take that time I really do not make for good company. It starts to feel like an obligation.

And last is the message that came while I was walking. Because of the season, I should follow the trees example and let go of what is no longer useful. Let go of the need to 'go home' again, of the need to resist making connections here because I'm not staying. Let go of all that, clear my mind and heart of the debris my longing has left. And once the autumn clearing is done, I can relax into winter's dreaming to dream of what home needs to be.

There really is something about a brown and gold autumn wood at dusk, when everything is quiet and cold and crisp. Something about the feel of autumn's descent into death calls to me, and fills something deep inside me with peace. Spring fills me with joy and energy, summer and winter are there to provide contrast, and autumn fills me with peace.

So, I suppose I will take the message of the falling leaves, and surrender to the inevitable chill of winter, and use that time to nourish what roots me in this life - in short, to remember where my home is.