TM February 2012

Despite the fact that I missed this past weekend's lunar ritual (cold weather + not feeling well = stay home and sleep) I thought I'd post something anyway - I've been trying to write this post for a while now, but it never really came together. I figure now is as good a time as any. Also, I give anyone reading this fair warning: I am 'sensitive' to and work with various energies that exist in our world. I listen to my intuition and consider myself to be a spiritual person. If you don't believe in such things I will probably sound crazy to you. Don't worry about it though - it's a good kind of crazy ;)

When I first discovered Spira, one of the things I found most intriguing about it was it's use of archetypes in connecting to the divine. I've never really known why, but I've always hesitated to work specifically with a named god or goddess. The archetypes were a way for me to work with deity without having to jump into working with specifics. Instead of jumping in, I've been slowly easing my way towards it. I feel kind of like I've hit a block for the last 6 months or so - my Pantheon project is edging me closer than I'm comfortable with. It's strange though, because in all my experiences so far with the divine in our rituals, it's felt like coming home. Like remembering something I'd forgotten. But still I hesitate. And I procrastinate.


For a while now, I've known which archetype I resonate most strongly with. I finally came to a full realization of it at our yule ritual. We had a wisdom honouring that really brought it home to me that I do have a deeper connection to wisdom than I thought.

We had a discussion on what wisdom is to us and I was really surprised with some of the responses. To me, wisdom is a very practical thing, and the thought of it being unattainable or akin to an uphill journey never crossed my mind at all. The leader of the discussion seemed to have an understanding closer to my own - she said that wisdom is like the no nonsense grandmother who sits you down for a cup of tea when you're upset and lets you talk through your problem with her until you arrive at your own solution. I like this description of it, but it still doesn't really explain what wisdom is, or how to get to it.

Wisdom is hard to define. The simplest way I can think to describe it is as an awareness. An awareness that usually comes from experience.

The best description I've found was from a book I discovered as a teenager. It describes a word used by the Navajo that means beauty - 'the beauty that comes from being in harmony with the universe...aligned with the 'fitness of things'.*

There is also a celtic word that translates as 'Truth'. Their Truth is less true/false, and more of a relationship with life. Similarly, wisdom is also that relationship, that ability to be 'aligned with the fitness of things'.

Wisdom is in your relationship to everything else. It is your ability to feel your connection in the web. It takes understanding and awareness. It takes self-knowledge and compassion. It takes patience and courage and a willingness to face the truth about things. It also takes intuitiveness and an ability to flow with the current of the universe.

As hard as it is to describe, that connection is something I've always known. The tiny nagging details of daily life and the bustle of the city make me much less aware of it, but if I reach and pay attention, it's always there.

Wisdom. Just waiting for me to find it again.


* The book that I'm quoting from is 'Yearning for the Wind' by Tom Cowan. One of my most favourite books ever!

Addendum to my 'List' post

In writing that last post I kind of brought myself back to my focus, so I felt I had to add this on.

My mother shared with me the gift of a group of workshops she and I attended that gave me the tools and practice to uncover layers of myself and figure out what holds me back. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to let me stay in an 'I don't know what to do' state of mind for very long. I know too much about myself at this point to be in denial about how the choices I make affect my life.

Most of the things on my list are surface stuff. If I spend my time on them, I can avoid the things that would really fulfill me. And I already know what they are - I just can't seem to draw the courage to do them here and now - I mean, what happens if I do them and fail? If I try to do them and can't? What if I'm wrong and it won't actually fulfill me? I've been hiding in my 'I'll study this first' - and it's a long list.


As for what will actually fulfill me? The list is short.

1. Learn to be at home in wild places. This is where I find the divine, where I find myself, and the peace that is at my center. Where I find that part of me that is what 'me' comes from.

2. Working with Horses. This is one of the first things I can remember loving. I don't really know why it's so important to me, but my intuition says it is, and I've learned to trust that.

3. Dancing. this is my vehicle for self-expression. Another thing I remember loving at a very young age, it is an outlet for my emotion and creativity. I sing too, but dance does it more so. Singing takes me out of my body, dancing puts me solidly in it and what I feel.

And that's it. I love the intellectual stimulation of learning everything else, and all the stuff about homesteading and herbal medicine can only help with the life I want to live, but the three listed above are what will fulfill me. I want the rest for my life, but I don't really need them. I need people (or creatures - like horses) to love and connect with, the wild places for my soul and spirit, and dance for my emotions. The rest is just filling the empty places where these things should be.

What I really am not sure of, is how I get to there from here. It's funny how good we get at not doing the most important things. Everything in it's time I guess. Everything in time.

My List

I haven't updated my blog in a while, and I thought I should post something. I've been trying to work out some different topics that I might want to write about - it's actually harder than I thought to find things to write about when there isn't really anything exciting or different happening in my life.

Except one thing - I've been reading a lot lately.

To anyone who knows me, this isn't really new - I've always read a lot. But the content has changed. Before, where I used to read about fictional characters, now I'm reading about things that I want to learn more about. I don't think I'll ever stop learning - it's just that with so much information out there and so many different specialized areas, I feel like what I'm missing is focus. I've read about herbs. And since I stopped actively reading about herbs, I've started reading about nutrition. Kind of a natural extension from working at a vitamin store. And from that, I've started reading about fitness and how to be healthy in general. And now I find myself fascinated by reading about children and pregnancy.

I suppose there is a common theme here - health in general. I want to know everything I can know about how to live a healthy life. But still the focus is missing. Everything I'm learning is something I want to know to live better, and being an analytical type person, I find I don't just want to know - I want to KNOW and be and 'expert'. But I already know that being an 'expert' on every topic I'm interested in is going to be impossible. Especially when each thing I learn about leads me to the next. Especially when I already have a list.

So, just for fun, I'd like to share my current 'interested reading' list of topics, and the ones that are on the list that I haven't gotten to yet.

1. Pregnancy and childbirth. This is #1 right now. Not sure why - could be the impending wedding, and my biological clock which currently yells at me once a month to get started reproducing. There are a lot of babies in the mall where I work. And when my clock starts going I notice every. single. one.

2. Nutrition and healthy eating and healthy sleep habits and exercise. Until recently, this was my number one topic. Of course, I can only read that same kinds of stuff so many times before I start to get bored - I need new information, not the same old stuff regurgitated in different ways.

3. Herbs and Vitamins etc. This is a natural offshoot of my job, which keeps it interesting. I have to say though - I have a love/hate relationship with television doctors. It leans more towards the dislike side when people come in asking for a product and, if it's unfamiliar and I ask what it's for, the people don't even know 'Dr.so-and-so said it was good'. Drives me insane - do your homework people! If you're taking something, you should know what it does, why you need it, and the benefits and risks of taking it.

4. Dance. different styles of it, and of teaching it.

And finally, my list of things to work on that I haven't really been actively learning recently - no particular order:

5. Horses. How to train them, their health stuff, and pretty much everything. I have a block on this one - I can blame it on not having easy access to a living creature or need to use said knowledge. but really, it's my lack of creating said access. I'm still working that one through.

6. Learn guitar. I just think it sounds pretty and I really want to be able to play.

7. Astronomy. I'm not sure what use this one is, but I really want to be able to look at the sky and recognize what's up there.

8. Aikido. I've always kind of wanted to know how to defend myself. To feel secure in my ability to defend myself if necessary. This particular discipline appeals to me. I'd explain why, but this post is getting long...

9. Sumerian life and pantheon. This one is for my pagan learning schedule. I'm going through my second year learning for the Spira group, and I'm probably about halfway through. And it's only taken me almost two years to get that far (click for more info). I really should move this one up to my first list - the sumerians are fascinating to me, and I have a few library books on them right now. The reason for my delay will hopefully finally come together in another post. It's in progress - I guess we'll see.

10. Gardening. I've been semi working on this for a few years. I've given up trying to have one in Calgary, on a shaded balcony that I never sit on because I hate the traffic noise. Why do I live in a city? I decided when I was a teenager that I didn't want to live in one ever, yet here I am. A part of me says it's easier, things are closer, especially since I don't drive. Another part of me shrivels up more and more with each passing year - which brings me to my next interest.

11. Becoming Familiar with the Wild. I was looking at a program that one of my friends has taken (click) and it mentions somewhere that most modern humans are only tourists in nature. I don't want to be a tourist - I want to feel at home in the wild. I feel more separate now than I ever did growing up. I want to get back the feeling of the land and wild places as home.
12. Natural canning and preserving. This is part of my wish to be self-sufficient. I want to homestead one day. I have a yearning to live a simpler life. To be able to grow and forage and preserve all or most of the food and things we need to live. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that in this world, but I really want to know.

13. Basically the rest of what I'd need to know for homesteading. Weaving, spinning, basic carving, hunting, etc. It's a long list.

So there's my list. Little wonder I feel so unfocused. I don't know what I should be learning first. All I know is that I want to know all of it. Might take me a while. What do you think? Is all that(and probably more) impossible?

Pole Practice

I had a wonderful, awesome, amazing practise yesterday! There have been a few things that I've been working on incessantly for the last 6 months. Really, I should have been doing this a long time ago - I think there's a bit of a flaw in the student directed progression I had going (where I just kept going up in levels when I hadn't quite mastered a couple basics). About six months ago I had come to the point where I just wasn't progressing anymore in pole. I felt stuck. I was hard on myself. Why was I so weak, why, oh, why couldn't I get these new moves? And the answer, I think, was simple. I had holes in my basics. There were moves that I hadn't gotten, either due to slippage, lack or flexibility, lack of strength, and in one major case especially, lack of balance.

In short, my nemesis move - the one I just couldn't get, no matter how many times it was explained and demonstrated to. The tipover 'v' (here's a link to a pic, in case you want to know what it looks like: click)

I finally figured out how to do it right before christmas, and it was partly figuring out what muscles actually pull your hips up, as well as keeping balanced while you're up there. Everyone else I knew got it really really easily - I thought maybe my butt was too big or something. Then I got sick in the beginning of January and completely lost the move again.

Now I finally have it back, and building from that, I also finally got some moves that I only half-assed got before. Like the gemini, or outside leg hang (click). Mine doesn't look as pretty as this one, but now that I can hold it, I can play with the positioning until I get it right.

Other moves I've recently mastered (finally) include the reverse superman and the cross leg release (click and click)


Both of those I only got because now that I'm an instructor/assistant instructor, I'm always looking for new ways to explain and tweak so students can understand the body position of a move. So when I'm sitting in a move and it's not quite there, I literally think to myself 'if I were teaching myself, what would I tell me to do?'. I absolutely love teaching, but it's also the best thing I could have done to improve my own abilities on the pole! Here's a photo from my last photoshoot. Now that I'm starting to improve again, I look forward to the next one!

More Wedding Schtuff

I'm finally excited about this! I don't think it even really felt real before this point.

The invitations are finally finished. My next task is to fill in the reception, ceremony and rsvp details on a little insert, print them out at the library and then mail off the cards, hopefully by friday.

And...I finally found the perfect ring (insert silly grin here). We must have looked in five or six jewelery stores in the mall last friday, went to a couple big ones on saturday and found nothing. Today on my lunch break I went to one of the stores we had been in on Friday - I spoke to the same lady we talked to on friday (she was the most helpful out of all the stores we went to) and she showed me a couple other rings. Just when I was about to give up, she had the idea to take a look at the rings that come in pairs already, since they could order just one of the set. The first one of those I picked up was perfect. It doesn't come up too high, the band isn't too wide, it has a single stone in the middle with a couple little tiny ones to each side. And I can get it with a blue diamond.


I had originally wanted a coloured stone instead of a diamond (I was thinking sapphires or even garnet, since those are two of my favourite colours/stones) but since we were looking at blue stones, Jon happened to ask if there is such a thing as a blue diamond. And I have to say, I had no idea a stone could come in teal. They're my favourite colour! I've added a picture so you can see the colour.



Next up: caterer (Jon's supposed to call tomorrow), finalizing hall rental plans with Jon's mom, and meeting our commissioner next Thursday.

Imbolc 2012

A while ago I decided to post about my spiritual life on here. But it was hard to write much, mostly because I don't tend towards the spiritual when typing on a computer. I tend to think more about it when I'm outdoors, surrounded by nature. That's why I bring my notebook on walks with me.
I recently committed myself to posting once for each ritual I attend, mostly because it acts to remind me that I should write something, and also because I tend to be introspective about it after and I really don't have many people I can or want to discuss ritual with.

That said, I won't be posting much about the specifics of the ritual. Mostly for privacy reasons - I don't know how much the other members present would want shared, so I'll stick with my own experiences and leave the details for those who were there.

I loved this ritual last year. There were fewer people and I really opened up to the experience of feeling the energy and connecting to the part of myself that lives for the wild places. This year I didn't connect to it nearly as well. I think it was mostly to do with the fact that I haven't known a few of the people very long and I'm not as comfortable with them yet. Something to take note of for future rituals. I should also make a note to myself to work at getting to know the newer people better.

This time, instead of connecting to my wild self, I felt more deeply connected to the group as a whole. Every year at this ritual, we do a group protection spell. And this year I could really feel the weaving of the connections we all have to each other. The community and support that this group creates is simply amazing. And I want to help build that, and help keep it strong. I'm not sure exactly how to do that yet, but I guess I'll keep my eyes open for opportunity.

Wedding Updates

Well, I seem to have gotten into the swing of wedding planning now. I'm finally starting to feel excited about planning. Don't get me wrong - it's not like I was unhappy before. Just a little overwhelmed by all the details that needed seeing to.

But I spent the day making lists and talking about it with my coworkers and I'm actually feeling excited now.

We've tentatively booked a minister/commissioner (we want to meet him first)
Most of the plans for what we want are decided - now it's just a matter of locking in the details. I wanted to put some together pictorially so I'm putting them together here.

Flowers:
I wanted gerber daisies for my bouquet. Kind of like this picture, but with some ivy vines added and blue ribbon instead of black and red.

For the bridesmaids bouquets I was thinking maybe some regular or tiny daisies. Kind of like this picture (again, likely with blue ribbon instead of cream)

For the guys, I was thinking a sprig of baby's breath with some ivy and blue or white tull. I was going to add a white rosebud to Jon's. Something kind of like this picture.

Last, but not least, there's the centerpieces for the tables. I was thinking of using either a navy blue plate or a mirror plate as the bottom. Then I have rose bowls in which I want to put some rocks, and then a candle in.

Next to that, I wanted to put a potted ivy with some longer vines that could be wrapped around the circle of the plate. I might throw some daisy flowers with no stems on the plate as well.

So there's some of the decorations. More updates soon to come!

The Gift of Movement

It always amazes me how stuck people can be in their own bodies. How uncomfortable we are with them. They're not good enough. Too fat, too thin, too lumpy, too whatever. I admit it. I have too much cellulite, my stomach curves where I sometimes wish it didn't, and my lumpy bits are a little bit lopsided sometimes. But despite these things and my occasional bout with negativity, I have a body I can move. I can touch it and feel sexy, and I can look in a mirror and see beauty. And I don't even mind being a little bit overweight and pole dancing - I love that when we get students who don't start out fit that I can prove that anyone can do it, and you don't have to start out with a stereotypical sexy body to be sexy.**

This is the gift that pole dance has given me, and it's why I love teaching it. I even think it's the same reason I loved dancing as a kid - I discovered that moving with feeling gives me joy.

I just finished teaching a four week introduction to pole dance course, and I struggled with this one. I was sick for their first class and I felt like I had a hard time connecting to them. They seemed to be having a hard time with some of the movements, and I started questioning my ability in instructing them. After this last class, I no longer doubt my ability. It just took a little longer with them, and I think they were a little uncomfortable with their own sensuality.


But it's amazing what heels and a little red light can do.




As soon as I changed the atmosphere of the room, the girls in that class were completely different dancers. No longer did they worry about what they looked like while they were moving - and in not worrying about it, they suddenly had the moves they were struggling with. I was amazed at the difference. They went from being uncomfortable and unsure of how to move to confident and having fun just by turning some lights off and me giving them permission to not do everything perfectly as long as they did everything safely. I am truly grateful to be able to share that with them. To show them that they can be at home in their bodies, even as I'm still becoming comfortable in my own.














**I didn't realize that I was actually ok with it until I had someone who had come in to ask questions about classes say to me 'oh good, I'm glad you're here. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do it because I'm too fat.' After she left, we joked that she had called me fat without even realizing it. And truly, I wasn't insulted. I was glad I could be there to break her preconceived notions about whether she could be sexy and dance or not.