Addendum to my 'List' post

In writing that last post I kind of brought myself back to my focus, so I felt I had to add this on.

My mother shared with me the gift of a group of workshops she and I attended that gave me the tools and practice to uncover layers of myself and figure out what holds me back. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to let me stay in an 'I don't know what to do' state of mind for very long. I know too much about myself at this point to be in denial about how the choices I make affect my life.

Most of the things on my list are surface stuff. If I spend my time on them, I can avoid the things that would really fulfill me. And I already know what they are - I just can't seem to draw the courage to do them here and now - I mean, what happens if I do them and fail? If I try to do them and can't? What if I'm wrong and it won't actually fulfill me? I've been hiding in my 'I'll study this first' - and it's a long list.


As for what will actually fulfill me? The list is short.

1. Learn to be at home in wild places. This is where I find the divine, where I find myself, and the peace that is at my center. Where I find that part of me that is what 'me' comes from.

2. Working with Horses. This is one of the first things I can remember loving. I don't really know why it's so important to me, but my intuition says it is, and I've learned to trust that.

3. Dancing. this is my vehicle for self-expression. Another thing I remember loving at a very young age, it is an outlet for my emotion and creativity. I sing too, but dance does it more so. Singing takes me out of my body, dancing puts me solidly in it and what I feel.

And that's it. I love the intellectual stimulation of learning everything else, and all the stuff about homesteading and herbal medicine can only help with the life I want to live, but the three listed above are what will fulfill me. I want the rest for my life, but I don't really need them. I need people (or creatures - like horses) to love and connect with, the wild places for my soul and spirit, and dance for my emotions. The rest is just filling the empty places where these things should be.

What I really am not sure of, is how I get to there from here. It's funny how good we get at not doing the most important things. Everything in it's time I guess. Everything in time.