Time to melt the wax off

I don't know exactly what it is, but I feel today as though a switch has been flipped. Maybe it's an effect of the fever I had for the last 3 days, maybe just the season, or the year. Maybe it was just time.

I feel a coming back to myself. A returning, if you will, to a part of myself that I gave up when I came to Calgary. The part of myself that had a connection to home.

Let me start at the beginning though. Six years ago I was lost. I had graduated high school, but had no idea who and what I wanted to be, or do. In an effort to figure that out, I decided to move to Calgary and study herbology. I knew I was giving things up to do this. Mainly the security and comfort of living close to family. I had to let go of being a little girl. I had to let go of the place I knew was home, although even now the scent of young alders and forest floor reminds me - the scents of all the green things that grow and die on the island.

But there were things I didn't know I was giving up, not really. First among these are my closeness with my family. Especially I miss being able to watch as my nephew and nieces grow. My siblings too. I miss my sister especially - I used to feel closest to her and now I hardly know her at all - and she's as hard to get a hold of by phone as I am, lol.

The other thing I didn't realize I was giving up was my connection to place. As a child and teenager, connecting to nature was effortless. I even went to far as to decide when I was 14 that I never wanted to live in a city. And then I moved to calgary. I told myself it was temporary, and that I'd be back in the wilderness as soon as school was done. But I'm still here. It's something I struggle with.

Connected to that, I also lost a part of myself. When I gave up my connection to the land, to place, I feel like I gave up my connection to everything. The part of myself that loves celtic music went missing, the seeker and wanderer lay down beside the road and had a nap, the singer was silent, and the witch in me had a long winter. In the end I spent six years growing and learning and figuring out who I am, and who I want to be. And now I discover that all these parts of myself that I love the best didn't go away entirely - they've been felt in whispers here and there. They were partly obscured as I changed, exploring different edges of myself, figuring out where the edges are, or where I want them to be.

Like the swirl of colour when making a ukrainian easter egg. When the egg http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifis blackest is when it's ready to be revealed for all its bright and colourful beauty. I've been died and waxed and now I'm started to melt the wax away to remember what is underneath.

It's time to reconnect. To the land, to nature, to meaningful friendships, to family, to myself, to magic, to LIFE.

And I want to thank a friend of mine for the music that inspired this post. I cannot believe that I've known this woman for so long and not gotten a cd yet, though I've thought her music beautiful for a long time. Here's a link to my favourite song tonight, and to her website :)

The song: Drift

Her website : http://www.soramusic.ca/