Time for Change Again

I know I've neglected the blog a bunch. Its been six months and last update I had grand plans for cheering myself back from sadness. And I have, but blogging wasn't part of it.

I guess I'll start by catching up. Last fall I found myself strangely depressed. I think part of it was changing baby hormones, and part of it was mourning the loss of the last of my pre-mommy identity.

I mourned not going back to my old job at nutrition house. I felt betrayed by my manager - I thought she was a friend and would be happy to have me back a day or two a week. Instead she 'didn't want to upset' the other employees, and had 'no obligation' to allow me back since she'd bought the franchise so technically it was a different business.

 So much for maternity leave preventing shit like that. I was the only employee affected - basically discriminating against me for having a child.

And then, right after I find out I need to find a new job (Hubby doesn't make enough right now for me to stay home with the boy) my friend who I'd been hiking and CSA share-splitting with all spring/summer suddenly wants me to pay for gas for our outings (which is fair) but I had no income to be able to do that when she asked. And she suddenly stopped talking to me...because we can't hang out if I can't pay for gas? This still confuses me. There are stay close to home things we could have done that don't require gas. But then, we never did quite connect fully as friends.

So between job-loss and fair weather friends, that was my 'postpartum depression'. Which was really mourning the last of my old life.

Complicating things even more, a couple months after this I find out my parents are splitting up (not a huge surprise - there were signs, but it still sucks), and my best friend from high school that I'd been trying to reconnect with stopped replying to any attempt to talk to her. In fact, I still haven't heard anything.

Most recently, at the end of May, my father in law died from lung cancer.

Looking back on all this, its no wonder I was a little off balance and having a difficult time finding things to be happy about back then. Its been a rough year.

But here I still am, and I've finally found my 'unreasonable happiness' again. It feels cleansing to write this out without getting stuck in the emotion of it. Finally ready to let it go I think.

Next post: things that make me happy!