It Can't Be Taught?

I just got back from the most awesome pole jam ever. It was student showcase night at my studio, and we had a great time.

Did I perform? Yes I did. Only I was a little disappointed in myself - I WAS going to do this great, meaningful dance to a song that I've really been feeling for the last month and a bit. But I didn't. Of course, I have an excuse. I had to work on finishing my thesis for school and couldn't find the time to work on it, and even though I had the choreography half done I wouldn't have been able to practice and polish it enough to perform.

That's my excuse. And it's a load of crap. Sure, I had to get my thesis done. Sure I was trying to find a new job, and my muscles were a little sore from class. I was feeling stuck in my poling, actually feeling like I was getting worse (I usually feel like this right before I start to improve - I think it's been called the plateau). But none of these are real reason I didn't finish it.

I didn't make time to finish my routine because I was scared. Scared to allow myself to really feel into my dancing - scared to share that much of myself and my emotions with an audience. I feel like if I really did that, I'd never be able to put it all back, lock away all that emotion again. But I yearn to be able to let it out. And when I do, I've been told to stop being so sensitive, or that I need to be more rational about it. Why does emotion have to be locked into 'rational' for people to deal with it? Why does it have to be dealt with at all? Can't it just be?

In truth, I think I yearn to meet myself in the dance. I've had a glimpse of her, here and there, this inner being of emotion and yearning and fire. Standing on the last rung on a tall tree stump, searching for the strength to step up with nothing to hold on to if I overbalance. Leaning out from a cliff, wind in my face, trusting to a rope and harness, and the person behind me to not let me plunge over the edge. Standing on the deck of a windy boat, feeling the earth beneath the waves, the silent strength beneath movement that echoes what is at the core of who I am.

This is what the dance is supposed to let you see. And one of my instructors said tonight that it can't be taught.

I both agree and disagree. No, it can't really be taught, because you can't teach someone to feel. And you can't teach someone how to take that emotion and translate it into movement. But then, I think most people already know how.

The part where teaching comes in is how to make it a practice. How to take the time to really be in your body, with yourself and your emotion, and just let it be. Where do you start? I really want to figure out a way that this can be taught, if only so I can teach it to myself. Because I want to dance like that - and I know I can. I just have to stretch a little. I just have to decide that I deserve to take the time for myself to practice that stretching.